As promised, yesterday I set out to bake two chocolate fudge cakes. One was from the worlds most sexual food writer: Nigella. She describes her chocolate fudge cake as being something you’d eat the entirety of after a break up. Personally, I skip the cake and go straight to slashing the tyres…
The other recipe I used came from this crazy bitch:
TitilisBusyKitchen is, like with the lemon meringue pie last week, just the first youtube channel that came up when I searched the title of the dessert.
And of course, I bought a Sainsbury’s ready-made cake as well, for a whopping £2
Compared with last week, the amount of ingredients needed for these cakes was ridiculous. Sour cream? Ground almonds? CORN OIL? Unbelievably, I managed to forget the fucking chocolate on my first run to the shops. For my CHOCOLATE fudge cake. Sometimes I think it would be best for humanity if I just crawled into a cave to die.
For no reason at all, I started with Nigella’s recipe. And I’m glad I did, because this bitch took NEAR ON AN HOUR in the oven. Betty Crocker is out there somewhere, laughing- use her mixes and you only wait 40mins most.
This week I thought I would be clever and actually prepare the ingredients before I started- last weekend I was stuck with 2349023049 dirty dishes/bowls/cutlery and things got a bit hectic as I hastily tried to weigh flour and sugar and butter as I went.
As I prepared everything I couldn’t help but notice the amount of sugar and butter going into this thing…I knew my arteries wouldn’t be thanking me for this.
You can see what causes a myocardial infarction.
I proceeded to throw everything into my large mixing bowl and gave it a good old mix with my odd looking wooden spatula thing. In another bowl I whisked the eggs and sour cream together…a rather gross looking concoction. I added the wet mess into my beautiful sandy desert that was my dry ingredients and hoped for the best.
I breathed a sigh of relief at what now looked like a normal cake mix…and immediately ate a spoonful. No restraint whatsoever. I’m not proud.
I started pouring the mix into my two well greases silicon cake moulds. I figured these would be the best as I am not the most skilled and retrieving the cake back out of the tin after it is baked. I absolutely drowned these fuckers in butter to make sure the cake would come out in one piece.
I did, however, quickly realise that perhaps these moulds might not be big enough. I mean, we all know that size doesn’t matter….but this did take the piss a bit. Fuck it, I thought, I’ve come this far- I’m going to get every last drop of this mix in.
I failed. Miserably. I was left with a good amount of cake mix left, so obviously that had to go into
my mouth the food bin.
I slung them into the oven, ignoring the sizzling sound of cake mix dripping onto the oven floor, and prayed.
No amount of smoke was going to ruin this friggin chocolate cake. Who doesn’t love smoked cake?
Now, as mentioned, I don’t have the best of luck when it comes to removing cakes from their tins. However, I buttered these things like I was applying oil to Channing Tatum; my hands were all up in there.
AND THIS IS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.
YOU JUST CAN’T BLOODY WIN. (for real though, if anyone knows whatever the fucking secret is that the cake god’s are holding from me on how to remove cakes, without them disintegrating, that’d be cool to know.)
And I knew I shouldn’t have ignored that sizzling noise, as I was also greeted to this abomination:
I put the 75% of cake I was left with to the side to cool, and cracked on with the icing.
I beat the butter with the sugar and melted chocolate…and that was it? Really, Nigella? You have me putting sour cream in a cake but your creativity falls short of a decent fudge icing? Screw you.
That, my friends, looks like a buttercream icing to me.
Nigella, it doesn’t matter how attracted to you I am, you have let me down. In fact, you’ve let yourself down. At least Titli had me make a proper
fudging fuck fucking fudge.
Anyhow, I slathered this bowl of dissappointment onto the cakes, trying to patch up the craters of missing sponge, and threw it into the fridge to firm up a bit.
I then cracked on with Titli’s recipe, horrified that the gates of hell might open up and she’d suck me down into the fiery pits of torture. Her face really is a scary one.
The first thing this crazy bitch wanted me to do was make the fudge icing. Pretty simple, actually- melt AN ENTIRE BLOCK OF BUTTER, add in the chocolate and sugar, and mix away. As I stirred, I tried not to think about how painful a heart attack might be…I’m probably tough enough for a triple bypass? I did stub my toe without screaming once, so you could say that I’m pretty badass.
I was going to upload the video I took of it all mixing together but apparently I’m not paying enough to the host of this blog to be allowed ‘video support’, and I am more likely to shit gold than to pay out for anything more to do with this blog. You would have seen that it actually took a fair while to get everything to melt together, but once it did, it was like a pot of heaven. A fudgey mixture of tooth decay, obesity, and stretchmarks. Delicious.
I then had to put that into the fridge to cool, so in the mean time I cracked on with the cake. This was more or less the same process, only subtract the sour cream and add ground almonds. I can’t think of one person that likes almonds, so this is only backing up my theory that Titli is the devil.
Now, because of the previous issues with cake-from-tin extraction, I upped the greasing of these moulds. By not using grease at all, and instead dumping enough flour into each of them for a good coating. My kitchen was starting to look like Charlie Sheen’s bedside table.
I poured the mix in, happy that this time there would be no overflow problems, and hurled them into the incinerator (which is what I am going to call the oven from now on, because fuck me does that oven cremate anything that goes into it)
Luckily, this cake only took 35mins. I checked it at 30mins…to find the fucking things were burned on top. I don’t know why my ‘incinerator’ hates me, but it does.
I’m no stranger to burned cakes, so I’m relatively proficient at leveling cakes off and removing the charcoal. So I left them to cool and did as such.
After chugging half a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc (after all, I had been in the kitchen for 3 hours at this point), I went to see how the fudge icing was doing…
Shit. That is the only answer to how that fudge was doing. In the bottom of the bowl it seemed that the mixture was thickening, but up top there were two layers- one of sludge, the other of butter. I rammed a spoon into it and gave it a whirl, hoping it would be enough, and left in the fridge for another half an hour. When I returned, it seemed to be more of what I was expecting.
I dumped it on the cakes and added a flourish here and there onto both Nigella’s and Titli’s, and opened up the Sainsbury’s cake. It was at this point I realised that I had forgotten to make our dinner and that Lee was wasting away, so I made some of the shittest fajitas I have ever produced. He still ate them so in my eyes, they were a success.
Anyway, I then presented the cakes to this weeks taste tester: Legend Lee Perkins. I think it is safe to assume that it is going to be him nearly every weekend. He’s pretty happy about that, I feel.
On the left is Nigella’s cake (see how it certainly doesn’t look that fudgey) and on the right is Titli’s. You can see I decorated with ferrero rocher and kinder bueno, because I am a fancy bitch who don’t need no plain cake. Mary Berry would be proud. Nadiya Hussain, move aside.
Below is a comparison of all three cakes, this weeks basic bitch cake from Sainsbury’s is in the middle, obviously.
Lee was spot on when it came to guessing which cake was which upon presentation alone. Annoyingly. His opinion didn’t change upon taste either.
He reported that Titli’s was indeed very fudgey and rich, but perhaps too rich for his palate. He also could taste some of the burned edges, but that’s the incinerators fault. He didn’t dislike the Sainsbury’s cake, but found it was pretty basic. Nothing special. Nigella’s was his favourite out of the three, and then proceeded to eat another slice, covered in cream.
Personally, I actually thought that the youtube cake was the best. This is probably due to me having a crazy sweet tooth- I fucking love rich chocolate desserts. And kinder bueno is the boss of all confectionery.
Like last week, just buying the cake was easier- but it was pretty damn small, plain, and not amazing in taste. It was certainly not as beautiful as Nigella(s cakes).
As far as the other two cakes went, Nigella’s was probably the easiest as I didn’t have to fuck around with making fudge and the cake mix was pretty simple.
All in all, I think it really depends on how rich you like your cakes to be- for me, Titli is the winner (so hopefully she wont swallow my soul now), however Lee was passionate about Nigella (could just be because she’s got big tits)
- Difficulty: 6/10
- Taste: 8.5/10
- Presentation: 7/10
- Difficluty: 8/10
- Taste: 9/10
- Presentation: 7/10
- Difficulty: 1/10 (I had to walk to the fucking shops AGAIN)
- Taste: 5/10 (not bad, could have been much better)
- Presentation: 5/10
The Final Word
Looks aren’t everything. Titli looks like she’s escaped from an asylum but her cake was rich and fudgey…
…whereas Nigella makes me question my sexuality, but her cake was just another chocolate cake with buttercream icing.
Don’t judge a bitch by her face, but by her cakes.