Again, no apology for not posting on Thursday about what I’d be baking, I was too busy doing overtime at work #bitchneedthedolla
This weekend I thought to myself ‘fuck it, I cannot be arsed with the oven’, and searched for a recipe that didn’t require too much energy. Also I was being nagged by a work colleague to make it: the humble banoffee pie. Like last week with the black forest gateau, I am not a fan of banoffee pie at all. I despise bananas with every inch of me being- and again, it’s not just because it’s fruit. I hate banana tasting anything. I would not even eat one covered in chocolate sauce and ice cream.
Let me just tell you now that I was hungover as fuck and not feeling up to the mere smell of a banana.
In my search for two recipes, I only found a few that didn’t call for dulce de leche in the ingredients. I knew in my bones that the Sainsbury’s near me just would not stock it, and sure enough when I got there to source everything else, there was not a tin in sight.
Below is a picture of all the ingredients needed (imagine there’s more bananas and a pack of light brown sugar). Not a lot, thank god.
The Hairy Bikers
I started with the recipe from the two sexual predators themselves, the Hairy Bikers. How hairy do you think they actually are underneath it all? I know it makes my own hair stand on end to think about it.
This recipe called for ‘oaty’ chocolate biscuits. Sainsbury’s basics chocolate digestives should do the trick. Like with any buttery biscuit base, it’s a simple case of pulverizing the living fucking daylight out of the biscuits and mixing melted butter into the remains. As you probably know, the most common way of doing this is by bashing them in with a rolling pin….but I had a perfectly good blender sat next to me and I don’t like to fuck around.
I feel the kitchen counter tops appreciated me using the blender, I don’t think they could handle being beaten like a 50’s housewife. After mixing it all together, I smushed it into my loose-based pie tin and hurled it into the fridge to firm up for 30mins. Personally, I think I did an amazing job of getting a well distributed base- the sides were a bit sparse but as long as the bottom held up then we were all good.
In the mean time, I sorted the toffee filling out. This was easy- melt the butter, add the sugar, mix until dissolved, and add the condensed milk (yuck). I mixed it as I brought it to a boil, and after 5mins of that I took it off of the heat to cool down. Boy did it need it, that mixture was hot enough to melt your skin off. I went to sit down for 15mins in the hope that my nausea and headache would settle down. There’s nothing like a wine hangover.
After the room stopped spinning and I felt I could walk back to the kitchen without projectile vomiting all over the cat, who had just gotten over the fear of me throwing black forest gateau all over it, I went to the fridge and retrieved the pie crust. Obviously, fuck all had changed other than that it was now cold and firm. At this point, I would not have been surprised if it had self destructed- every time I bake a dessert, something has to go wrong. I poured the now lukewarm toffee mix into the base and was pleasantly surprised at how it was just the right amount of filling. The recipe called for me to quickly smooth the top, but it was already flat and shiny so I didn’t exert the effort. Back into the fridge it flew, and I went to find some paracetamol. Whilst it was chilling, I nipped to Sainsbury’s to get some dinner in, and had to hurry back to get a stream of BT sport up so we could watch the Chelsea v Arsenal match. Thibaut Courtois can go suck a goal post.
After I raged about Chelsea allowing Courtois not only being allowed to take a penalty, but to be the 2nd player to do son, I stomped back into the kitchen and began making the cream. This was nothing fancy, a proper basic bitch cream. I whipped the double cream and added a spoon of skimmed milk powder to stabilise it. I sliced up the bananas and placed them on top of the toffee filling in an ‘attractive arrangement’ and loaded the cream on top. A few edges of biscuit base were lost in the process, but you can’t win a war without a few casualties. On that note, go watch Dunkirk (out in cinemas near you), it’s awesome. Don’t waste your money on seeing 47 meters down, that was shite. Anyway. I drowned some more sliced banana in lemon juice so they wouldn’t brown in the light of day (unlike me, I burn bright fucking scarlet), and threw them on top of the cream. I finished it off with some roughly chopped dark chocolate. Looked pretty fucking good compared to some of my other bakes. I put the whole thing back in the fridge and started on the BBC Food pie.
I wasn’t holding my breath for this pie- having already read through the recipe and finding out I needed to add chopped pecans to the biscuit base, I figured it wasn’t going to hold together too well. And I was fucking right, as per normal. Without the nuts, the base would have been fine, but the addition of the fuckers meant it was a lumpy mess that was too dry. The only loose-bottomed pie tin I have was being occupied by the Hairy Biker’s bananas, so I had to improvise and use an oval dish, similar to what you’d put an apple crumble in. But I thought this was for the best, there was no way that nutty cement was going to hold its shape once it came out of a pie tin. After barely squishing the stuff in, I catapulted it into the fridge and sat back down in the living room where I found Lee burning his Chelsea shirts and scribbling out Courtois on a team picture. Once I settled him down I realised it was time to make the toffee filling….and I was a bit concerned that this recipe asked for regular caster sugar, NOT brown sugar. This mix looked less like toffee and more like a pale and gloopy disappointment. Unfuckingbelievably, I dropped not only TWO spoons into the pan, but also my phone. Luckily it’s new and bulletproof so some toffee didn’t kill it but I blame the BBC. Anyway, the mix tasted alright but we all know that looks are more important. I whacked the mix into the fridge. I then had to scrub the pan out because the BBC had me making a friggin caramel sauce?
Who the actual fuck sits down to a banoffee pie and demands a caramel sauce to go with it? We’re British for fucks sake.
The sauce was actually pretty easy to be honest, melt some butter with sugar and coconut milk. The recipe said it was meant to thicken but it stayed pretty watery for the 10mins I spent heating it, I would have added some cornflour but I need to stay true to the recipes. After spending 34mins scraping the sludge off of the bottom of the pan, I poured it into a jug and into the fridge it went. This fridge is getting more action than me I swear to god.
After that ordeal was over, all that was left was to slice more banana and mix it into the toffee mixture, pour it into the base, and top the thing with cream. So that I did. I couldn’t be fucked to top the cream with more banana as it took me longer to do that with the other pie than it takes me to do my nails. Which are now caked in banana and caramel shit. Instead I just sprinkled the leftover nuts onto the cream and some more roughly chopped chocolate.
I threw it back into…you guessed it…the fucking fridge. I made us our dinner, which I could just about keep down, and relaxed.
This weeks taste tester is, yet again, Legend Lee Perkins. (I have to call him that, it’s part of the contract.)
Upon presentation, he was right in thinking the round pie was the Hairy Bikers and the other was a BBC recipe, but when tasting it his opinion changed. This was due to the round pie tasted just….average. Nothing special. But the other had more depth to it with the nuts. I was surprised by this but took his word for it because there’s more chance of you catching me drinking my own piss than eating banana. Overall, his favourite was the BBC pie, especially due to it coming with its own pretentious caramel sauce. Fine by me, I can take the round one into work which will be much easier without carrying a fucking jug of sauce with me.
The Hairy Bikers
- Difficulty: 4/10 – no fucking sauce
- Taste: 6/10
- Presentation – 9/10
- Difficulty: 7/10
- Taste: 10/10
- Presentation: 7/10 – would have been better if it was in a pie tin
The Final Word
Not shocked that Courtois has offered himself up to Real Madrid. Shocked that the Hairy Bikers gave me an average cream pie.