Good evening 🙂 Sorry this post is late but I’ve been ill and quite frankly I could not be fucked to write this post until I felt better. So, here it is, and sorry if it isn’t as good a quality as normal….not that the bar is set too high….
A lady I work with bought in a cheesecake last week so that inspired me to make one for the weekend’s bake. And, because I’m a chocolate addict, it obviously had to be how I like my men – rich and dark.
The professional recipe comes from one Lorraine Pascale, and the other from Taste.com. The difference between these two cheesecakes is that the Taste.com one is baked, whereas Lorraine’s is just chilled.
I went to Sainsbury’s and purchased the most fucking obscene amount of cream cheese you’ve ever seen in your life, came home, and kicked things off.
I started with this recipe as I figured I would be able to release it from my newly acquired springform pan once it had cooled, which I assumed would be quicker than waiting for the other cheesecake to set. I literally have no idea why the fuck I thought that and wished I had read this recipe before starting it. AN HOUR IN THE FUCKING INCINERATOR, AND THEN ANOTHER TWO SAT IN THERE WITH THE DOOR OPEN. 3 bloody hours, and that’s not including actually making the mix, chilling the base, and cooling time. I didn’t realise this until I had already poured the mix into the pan but whatever.
To kick things off, I preheated the oven and then I had to make the buttery biscuit base (and no, I find no shame in linking to this every time I use the phrase). So simple even Boris Joihnson would manage it (probably) – crush the fuck out of the biscuity bastards and mix the melted butter and cinammon in. I didn’t really clock on that there was too much butter, but I pressed the mix into the greased and lined pan and threw it into the fridge to firm up.
To make the mix, I first had to melt the chocolate. Most recipes, including this one, call for the chocolate to be melted over a bain marie but I don’t have a bowl that fits into my pan properly, so I have to microwave very carefully. So, I nuked the chocolate and put it aside whilst I made the rest of the mix. I beat the eggs and sugar together until ‘light and fluffy’, which I think is a bullshit measurement because how the fuck is gloop meant to be fluffy? I beat the shit into it anyway, then added the cream cheese and butter. After it was all combined, it was a simple task of folding in the cocoa powder, vanilla, and chocolate. After I had done that, I had to stir in the soured cream. STIR. You literally fold mixes to keep air in them. So I undid all of that fucking folding whilst stirring in the cream.
After I had a chocolaty cheesy creamy mix, I slopped it into the biscuit base and hurled the pan into the oven. For a cunting HOUR. Of course, I had turned the incinerator down and set the timer a bit early, so I wouldn’t be greeted to something reminiscent of a burning tire.
Now, I could have started the mix for Lorraine’s cheesecake in the meantime but I’m not organised and I had other shit to do. This was a mistake. Anyway, after 3 hours of half-arsed tidying I returned to the kitchen to see how it was going. I opened the incinerator door…and things actually fucking looked decent? I gave the pan a jiggle, because I refused to believe that things had gone well. The centre of the cake certainly had some movement and I wasn’t sure if that was good, but in a panic I grabbed it from the oven because I couldn’t risk another charcoal mess.
I let it cool whilst I was making the other cheesecake, and luckily it firmed up into a nice thick, stiff, non-moving patty. Just like Courtney Cox’s face. I popped it from the pan and threw it on a plate to cool completely.
In all honesty, I’ve never watched nor know anything about Pascale, but I couldn’t use Nigella or Delia again because they’ve had their time. In any case, I thought the recipe seemed simple enough so why not give it a go.
I gathered the ingredients together (another offensive amount of cream cheese). This recipe called for white chocolate for the ‘icing’. Channeling my inner Chris Brown, I smashed the shit into the biscuits and mixed them with the butter. A stark contrast to the Taste.com recipe, this base was much more crumbly and it didn’t seem like there was enough butter. I smushed the mix into the well greased pan and let it chill out in the fridge whilst I mixed the batter together. Could you call it a batter? Fuck only knows. Of course, it was just a case of beating the sugar and cheese together, and adding the again nuked chocolate little by little (Oasis ruled and you can shove multiple cacti up your arse if you disagree).
I spooned the mixture into the pan, realised it was taking far too long, so just poured the rest in because bitches be busy. As mentioned, this one didn’t need baking, so all I had to do was put it back in the fridge. Before that, I smoothed the top. Now, I am not light-fingered and smoothing mixes and icing is not a skill I possess, but I fucking smashed this twat. It was smoother than a baby’s bottom (not that I know because I hate kids and fuck going anywhere near a baby).
After it set in the fridge for a couple of hours, I released it from the pan. I obliterated some more chocolate and poured it over the top. I don’t think melted chocolate constitutes as an icing, but fuck it.
This isn’t a very long post, I know, but there’s only so much one can write about making a cheesecake. 1. Make base. 2. Fuck up some cheese. 3. Leave it to set.
Overall, the difference between the two is pretty obvious. You can’t really tell there is any biscuit on the Taste.com cake, because it was just so soggy.
Yet again, Lee was the taste tester. His favourite was quite clearly established: Lorraine’s. It was much lighter and…well, tastier than Taste.com’s. I, on the other hand, preferred the darker beast. He commented that the Taste.com cheesecake tasted a bit like marmite, but I think that’s bollocks because I hate marmite but loved the cake. It was quite bitter from the dark chocolate, but I am bitter motherfucker so whatever. A nice helping of cream certainly balanced it out, at least. The chocolate ‘icing’ on Lorraine’s had obviously hardened in the fridge, so upon cutting it the entire thing cracked, and that coupled with a very crumbly base, meant serving was a nightmare.
Lee guessed which cake was which….and got it fucking wrong!!! 😀 😀 😀 You know you’ve been together too long when you start enjoying each other’s failures.
Overall, the winner would have to be Lorraine as I feel more people would enjoy it over Taste.coms
- Difficulty: 6/10 – a lot of ingredients, a lot of oven time
- Taste: 5/10 – a love/hate thing: I loved it, Lee hated it
- Presentation: 8/10 – consistent colour, no cracks
- Difficulty: 3/10 – blitz it together and chill
- Taste: 7/10 – could be more chocolaty
- Presentation: 7/10 – shame about the base
The Final Word
Are you ready for the cheesiest joke ever? “Lorraine takes the biscuit”
Fucking kill me that was awful