Right motherfuckers, last weekend I thought I’d bake something easier than Taylor Swift. I’ve been ill and fucking tired so I needed something chill.
Shortbread was the answer. The “brother-in-law” suggested I bake some with jam and vanilla and whatever other shit he said but I was busy so I just made regular shitting shortbread. I’ll make his fancy arse biscuit when I have more time.
The professional recipe came from the one and only Gordon Ramsay. it wont come as a surprise to any readers that he’s my favourite motherfucker of all time (1/3 of the golden trio; with Frankie Boyle and Jeremy Clarkson making up the other parts) (also no I’m not a cunt I just love dry, dark, and sarcastic humour)
The other recipe came from Steve’s Kitchen, the first YouTube tutorial that came up.
i do realise that I’ve been neglecting the shop bought desserts, so I also bought some from sainsburys.
the ingredients for both recipes were so basic even Bebe Rexha looks good on comparison. flour, sugar, butter, eggs, salt, and vanilla.
Ramsay deserves the twatting respect of being first, so on with his recipe. this was the recipe that called for eggs and vanilla so i weighed out all my ingredients like the organised legend I am.
The steps for this recipe were simple: beat the shit out of everything. The first thing I knocked together was the eggs and vanilla, which resulted in what looked like rotting eggs. However it did smell vanilla-y so whatever.
The instructions said to stop beating everything when the dough starts to come together, bit hard to determine that stage when you’ve got electric whisks. I stopped when the whisks started to stall and smoke could be seen coming from the main unit. After this stage, I pulled the dough together into
a ball without kneading. this was particularly difficult for me because I enjoy pummeling, it releases the anger I feel at the world.
I dumped it onto a floured surface and rolled it out into a circle. this was also tricky as the dough did crack a bit, but a little bit of compacting the edges in seemed to do the trick.
I then cut the dough around a large dinner plate. I used the excess to make a smaller disc. This process was surprisingly easy, I thought it would completely crumble but it held its shit together (better than I managed at uni)
I then had to make some indents around the edge with my thumb…which made me wonder if I have a normal sized thumb? whatever. El Gordo then instructed me to leave it in the fridge to chill the shit out, so in the meantime I went to the cinema to see the 2nd Kingsman movie. it was fucking amazing so I recommend you watch it if you haven’t aleady (though watch the first one beforehand). Taron Egerton is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I returned from the cinema and retrieved the dough. Gordon didn’t ask for me to prick it like I’ve seen in other recipes, so I flung it into the incinerator (as always, on a cooler temperature with the timer set earlier), and retired to the bedroom to tidy up. I’m mostly a chill person but I cannot stand mess. Like it literally puts me in a bad mood. Ever seen the TV show ‘Hoarders’? puts my teeth on edge.
Sorry, I have digressed. but I am fucking passionate about my disgust at mess and hoarding.
It took approximately 30 mins in the incinerator, which I thought was quite long for what is already quite a dry and thing dough, however it came out beautifully. A little more crisp and brown on the edges but ultimately it was a good effort. I rewarded myself with a
bottle glass of wine, after sprinkling the top of the shortbread with some cast sugar.
Rightio Steve-o, let’s be having you. This recipe was even more basic, requiring no vanilla or eggs. Again, the instructions were simple: mash the fuck out of it, roll it, oven it. I did find quite early on in the process that this dough was much, much drier and crumblier than Gordon’s, but obviously it did contain less liquid ingredients. I just about managed to form it into a ball but I ended up having to press the remaining chunks into it as a rolled. As you can imagine, rolling it also wasn’t as easy as the previous attempt. I am starting to become a culinary genius though, so with some manual handling I did eventually patch it up.
I then cut it into a circle using a plate as guidance. This went better than expected, I figured it might just crumble and crack but it did hold itself together. This recipe also called for me to score it into 8 pieces, but I was a bit tipsy at this point so it took me a few attempts. 20 mins later, I had divided it properly. I was instructed to prick the dough so I wielded my fork and made something close to a pattern on each slice. I also made some imprints on this patty but I feel they were less obvious as I didn’t press to hard, for fear of it crumbling apart. I had enough dough to make two rounds so I carefully slid them onto the baking tray. This recipe didn’t call for me to chill the dough which worried me slightly, I don’t know why but I think I must have heard something on bake off about it at some point.
I chucked this dough into the oven as well and prayed it wouldn’t be a disaster. It did look a lot prettier than Gordon’s but don’t let looks fool you. Again, like Taylor Swift. Beautiful but a total fucking psycho.
When I opened the incinerator door, there was a puff of smoke- not a small puff but certainly not as big as Snoop Doggs house when he opens the door. The fog cleared and I was greeted to…a grey looking thing. Definitely not as pretty now. I sprinkled it with sugar, slightly disappointing that all the work I put into pricking and fingering it went to waste.
On the left you can see Gordon’s – in reality it was much paler than that but the lighting in my kitchen isn’t great. Similarly, Steve’s was definitely more grey than what you see here.
Taste tester Lee yet again volunteered his services. I did force him to do this quickly as I was meant to be leaving the house for a girls night out with a mate. I do feel a bit bad about this as I like to let him enjoy my creations but alcohol was waiting for me. I forgot to take a picture of the shop bought shortbread but just imagine what a perfect circle of perfectly baked shortbread would look like (or just google image it). I swear I will get better and taking pictures of these fucking bakes, but you have no idea how difficult it is to remember to photograph every step you do and then fit all the images into this fucking blog. Especially on posts like this where there isn’t so much text.
His favourite was actually Steve’s, saying it tasted more complex and had more flavours. I thought this was bollocks and that he needs to sort his taste buds out because that shit wasn’t all that great, and so fucking crumble that I couldn’t break it into triangles like I could with Gordon’s. My favourite was definitely Gordon’s, and neither of us thought much of Sainsbury’s (but then it did only cost like 90p).
- Difficulty: 4/10 – the main difficulty was rolling it into a circle without it sticking to the rolling pin
- Presentation: 9/10 – personally I feel it would have looked better with the pricks
- Taste: for me? 10/10; for Lee? 7/10
- Difficulty: 8/10 – you don’t even know how dry this dough was
- Presentation: 4/10 – that colour shouldn’t see the light of day
- Taste: Reverse the ratings for Gordon’s
The Final Word
And here’s another thing:
I won’t waffle on about my personal life of here, but check out my gofundme page. I don’t run this blog for profit, but I would love a standalone mixer so if you do enjoy this blog, consider donating a quid!