I write this post with a broken heart, but it was a post I knew was coming. I had to use a Paul ‘traitor’ Hollywood.
I thought it had been a while since I baked an actual cake, so I was thinking about all the different cakes out there that I could make. A memory flashed to mind – many years ago I was at a bonfire party and one of the old biddies brought a homemade chocolate marble cake. It was fucking delicious. So why not give it a go?
Now, upon googling ‘chocolate marble cake’, Mary Berry’s was the first recipe to appear. I do love old Bezza, but I can’t keep using her, Delia, and Nigella every week. So I gritted my teeth and clicked on this bastard’s recipe, courtesy of goodtoknow.co.uk
The other recipe came from the Sainbury’s website. This recipe called for a chocolate ganache, so I couldn’t pass up the chance to make one. Ganache is the fucking bomb.
I also bought a ready made marble cake, again from Sainsbury’s, which you can find here. In store, you can find it down the aisle of ready made cakes for poor people who can’t be bothered to cook.
I most definitely did NOT give a fucking ounce of respect to Paul ‘mutineer’ Hollywood and use his recipe first, so I threw together the ingredients for the Sainsbury’s cake. A relatively basic mix, the components are basically the same as what you would use for a regular sponge cake (plus the chocolate and syrup for the ganache).
The first step was obviously to preheat the ‘fucking incinerator’, a term that is now being used by various work colleagues and family. Good to know someone actually takes notice of my blog. As always, on a cooler temperature than required.
I then greased my spring-form cake tin like I was lathering Rupert Grint in bath oil (fuck off he’s fit, if you’re into mega-loaded ginger actors who starred in the Harry Potter movies). If you have read previous posts, my track record with releasing cakes from the tin is pretty shite. Not only did I grease, but I laid baking paper down and greased that as well.
I slid the tin to the side and cracked on with the actual batter. Step one: beat the fuck into the butter and sugar until ‘light and creamy’ (total bullshit measurement). I don’t know what is wrong with the electric whisks at the moment but they’re really not holding up to standard when it comes to creaming butter. Whatever, until the thing spontaneously combusts I will continue to abuse it. I then beat the eggs in one at a time…the concept of which is fucking beyond me. What cunting difference does it make?!
After I poured in some of my vanilla extract, I dumped in the flour and and milk and gave that a good blitz as well. The result was just a basic bitch batter- nothing special but would still put 219 pictures of Starbucks coffee cups, ugg boots, and leggings up on instagram.
I then separated the mix like I was parting the red sea, and stirred in the cocoa powder and another tbsp of milk into one half. This batter was much more appealing to me but I am gay for chocolate (another thing I would spread on Rupert Grint’s body if I could).
I then went through the painstaking task of dolloping friggin spoonfuls of each mix randomly in the tin. Now, there was a fair amount of this gloop and my spoon didn’t have much girth, so this took more time than I feel it should have. The recipe then called for me to drag a skewer through the mix to give it the marble effect but I had no energy for any more washing up than necessary so I just used the fucking spoon to do the job. Worked fine in my opinion. I forgot to take a picture of this before I put it in the oven, so excuse the shoddy image I took. I set the timer to go off early and got started on the ganache. I melted the water, syrup, and sugar in a pan and brought it up to a boil…which actually didn’t take long. A much quicker process than melting straight sugar. Once the bubbles appeared, I removed the pan from the heat and threw in the chocolate. I left it all for a minute, then started stirring it together.
The result was shite. Utter shite. It was grainy, but what the fuck do you even expect when you mix water with melted chocolate. I put it back on the heat in the hopes that it might smooth things out again, and to my surprise it actually worked. After I finally had a glossy, chocolatey, sexy ganache, I put the bowl into the fridge to firm up a bit.
My timer rang. The hour of judgement. Would the Fucking Incinerator grant me a nicely cooked cake or a burnt mess? Fucking amazingly, it was the former. I obviously had the normally singed top but it’s nothing you can’t cut off (something I feel Harvey Weinstein would do well to remember).
I popped this bitchin’ cake out of the tin, left it to cool, then spread the ganache on top. This thing looked delicious and my kitchen smelt like heaven, so I was happy.
Paul ‘Viper’ Hollywood
I turned my framed picture of Mary Berry away, so she couldn’t see the act of pure evil I was committing. I adjusted the FI’s temperature accordingly, and greased a loaf tin (again, the grease-paper-grease) method.
I started the mix…and realised quite quickly that this recipe was nearly a carbon copy of the Sainsbury’s recipe. The only differences were the amounts of each ingredient, the addition of baking powder and less milk. Hm.
Chanelling my inner OJ Simpson, I pulverised this pasty white mix. Same shit, different recipe – beat the fuck into the sugar and butter, add eggs and vanilla, stir in flour and baking powder.
I’m sorry this part of the blog is less detailed but there really is fuck all to write and the blue-eyed fuck doesn’t deserve anymore of my time and energy.
I separated one third of the mix and poured it into a bowl, and mixed in the cocoa powder, remaining sugar, and milk. I then poured the plain vanilla mix into my tin, which nearly filled the fucking thing. I then added the chocolate mix on top. I did then realise that marbling this shit was not going to be easy…and it wasn’t. Perhaps if I was instructed to dollop each mix in spoonfuls, it would have been a bit better. The tin was so full that I couldn’t be too vigorous with the stirring, but with the two mixes being in practically two separate layers meant I couldn’t integrate them as much as I wanted.
I then threw this into the Fucking Incinerator – the recipe said it might take up to 70 MINUTES. I knew instantly upon reading that, that the FI would nuke the fucking thing so I set the timer for 40 minutes and left the kitchen to have a sit down and to drink away the memories if using Paul ‘Judas’ Hollywood’s recipe and not Mary Berry’s.
Extremely drunk slightly tipsy, I returned to the kitchen after the 40 minutes were up and opening the FI’s door. No smoke again (winner), but the cake was a bit…jiggly. I pushed the tin back in for 10 mins, after which it seemed much more solid but definitely had some crispy edges. Nothing you can’t trim. I turned the loaf out on the cooling rack which is pretty redundant as it has sunk so much the wire is nearly touching the counter top. You can see quite clearly that there wasn’t much of a marble effect going on.
Upon first looks, you can see quite clearly that the Sainsbury’s recipe turned out better than Dickhead’s. I like that there was a ganache on top for extra chocolatey-ness, but it probably wasn’t all that necessary.
You can also see the shop bought cake is pretty shit. Like that really is a cake that the skanky cow next door would buy to try and impress the social worker coming in for a ‘routine check up’ on her 5 children.
I was more impressed (annoyingly) with the Snake’s cake once I cut a slice, but it still wasn’t as marbled as it should have been.
I presented taste tester Lee with a slice of each cake and awaited with baited breath for his verdict. You know what he said? ‘Average’. For each slice. ‘Average’. I am fucking SCREAMING out for a new taste tester so let me know if you’d like to volunteer as tribute.
After I had just about managed to draw blood from the stone, he said that the Sainsbury’s recipe cake was his favourite and that he, too, liked the ganache. He did guess which cake was which correctly as well. I took slices of the Prick’s and the shop bought cake into work and the reviews were generally positive. Better than last week when I was told my cookies were shit anyway. I also sent three slices of the Sainsbury’s recipe cake for sampling to one of my readers, and I am looking forward to both receiving feedback and getting my tupperware back (it’s new).
- Difficulty: 5/10, the hardest part was melting the sugar for the ganache and even that was easy
- Presentation: 7/10, the marbling looked good but I could have made more effort really
- Taste: 9/10, I think it was fucking delicious but the chocolate cake could have tasted more rich
Paul ‘deserter’ Hollywood
- Difficulty: 3/10, as easy as it is to make the Twat forget his morals and loyalty
- Presentation: 5/10, a little singed but a nice shape, shame about the marbling
- Taste: 5/10, average as fuck
- Diffiulty: 2/10 (had to fight through the riff-raff to get to the cheap and shit cakes)
- Presentation: 8/10 – it was basic, but it wasn’t burnt and was a nice shape
- Taste: 6/10 – it was alright but could have been richer
The Final Word