Cunting Chocolate Cupcakes

Good evening. Normally I’m not sorry if my post is late but this week I feel just a tiny bit guilty; not because I care about disappointing you, but because I pay to run this blog and I felt like I had let myself down a touch. I fell out of love with the fucking thing after how terribly the pumpkin pie went. As a great trainee lawyer has told me at work, “vegetables have no place in cakes” – Phip, 2017

Anyway, mushy shite over.

After the appalling mess of that fucking pie, I decided that last weekend I would do something that requires minimal effort and would yield something delicious. The answer? Chocolate cupcakes. Boom.

The easy amateur recipe I used came from, entitled ‘Quick Chocolate Cupcakes’….unless these fuckers take 5 mins prep and 10 mins in the oven, it’s not quick enough. The pro recipe came from Martha motherfucking Stewart.

excuse the shite quality of this image


I preheated the Fucking Incinerator™ and lined my tray with cupcake cases. I don’t have an actual cupcake/muffin tray,  so I had to use this odd tray that normally lives in the deep abyss of darkness of the tray/pan/pot cupboard. It has…hole thingies….to put the cases but they aren’t deep like a regular tray and they have a leaf…indent thingies…in each hole.

Now, this fucking shit was proper easy. Beat the fuck into the butter and sugar, add the eggs, and once I had a creamy, diabetes inducing mix, I added the dry ingredients and milk. I then added just under

mix22tbsp of the mix into each of the twelve cases and threw it into the FI. The recipe told  me each case would be 1/3 full, but after using all the mix each case was 2/3 full. Had I had another cupcake tray, perhaps I would have spread the mix out a bit more but whatever.

I mean, what else can I say? I didn’t even sift the fucking flour. I could never convey just how fucked off I was over the pumpkin pie, and I really did need something that required fuck all energy to bake and then write about.


Whilst the cunts were baking, I made the buttercream. Easy shit again, channel my inner Chris Brown and beat the fuck into the sexy brown mix until icing has formed. I have learned from watching a bitch on youtube that you really need to beat buttercream for at least 5 minutes to get it fluffy as fuck and as pale as an anorexic teenage girl who also suffers from anaemia.

I checked on the chocolatey bastards 5 mins early and they seemed perfectly done, so I took them out and let them cool, leaving the buttercream covered in clingfilm and in the fridge. In the mean time, I cracked on with Martha’s recipe.

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Martha Stewart

ingres3The first issue I encountered with this recipe was converting the recipe from the ridiculous measurements that the yanks use to our easier and logical measurements over here. This took a bit of research as different websites say different things, but I couldn’t really be that fucked to gain a mean figure from 5 various sites, and just used the figure from the 2nd website I found.


After I figured out what was what, I removed the KidSpot cupcakes from the tray and re-lined it with 12 cases. I then sifted the dry shit into a bowl and then creamed the other shit together in another bowl. This fucking recipe asked for sour cream, which I thought might be a bad omen as previous experience has shown me that the results don’t seem to be improved by the addition of sour cream (Fudge me, baby).

I spooned the batter into the cases and hurled the tray into the FI. I did the same shit, check on them early mix 1.4and made sure they were cooked through. These cupcakes took the full 25mins, but they weren’t burnt which is a vast improvement to what I’m normally greeted to when I look in the oven.

The second issue I faced was only minor, but the recipe didn’t include instructions for an icing. Instead, the website linked me to a separate recipe. I then had to convert all the fucking measurements again but I got there eventually and blitzed the shit together. I fucking hate making icing because I always end up coating every shitting inch of the kitchen in icing sugar. I left the cupcakes to cool and placed the icing aside, and then got KidSpot’s icing out and spread it onto the cakes. There wasn’t a crazy amount of icing to really get a good intray1swirl on each one, so I spooned it on top  instead and smoothed it out with a knife. I then sifted a touch of icing sugar over the top and a couple of white sugar mini star sprinkle things. You could definitely tell that this recipe came from a kids website, because they looked like a fucking 7 year old made them.

After Martha’s had cooled, I was able to pipe the icing on as there was more than enough. I am certainly no pro baker, so my piping skills aren’t piped1great – but I was proud of the swirl I got for most of them. I sifted some cocoa powder on top of these ones and they actually looked pretty fucking good.

The Comparison

Left: Martha, Right: KidSpot

On presentation, it was easy to see that Martha’s was superior. Upon taste, in my personal opinion, Martha won as well. I would say that if you’re not a massive fan of lots of icing, then they might not be for you. I have a sweet tooth but I did think they were just a touch on the sickly side. The cocoa powder on top helped to balance it out so that was a good call on my part.


The KidSpot cupcakes certainly weren’t shit, but I felt they were less chocolatey in the cake and icing than I expected.

Taste tester Lee declared that which cupcake he thought was which, and actually got it wrong. Overall, his favourite was Martha’s as well. He felt that the chocolate was more pronounced, and certainly more moist.


I took the cupcakes into work (a decision that wasn’t popular with Lee but there was like 1kg of icing sugar alone on these fuckers so I couldn’t let him eat all of them). The overall consensus was that both types were good. I can’t go around telling people to eat two cakes and compare them for me at work every week so I never get statistics regarding that – but I also can’t go around promoting my sweary, rude, and NSFW blog to the highly esteemed lawyers I work with.

The Ratings


  • Difficulty: 2/10 (what would you expect for a kids recipe?)
  • Presentation: 5/10 (very, very average)
  • Taste: 7/10 (not bad, not great)

Martha Stewart

  • Difficulty: 4/10 (purely due to the conversions and making life harder on myself by using a piping bag)
  • Presentation: 8/10 (the icing could have been more uniformed but I’m fucking proud of my efforts)
  • Taste: 8/10 (less icing might have made the score higher).ingres1

The Last Word

If I had kids I would never let them bake.


2 thoughts on “Cunting Chocolate Cupcakes”

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