Coffee and Wanking Walnut Cake

Good evening. I know I keep saying sorry about posts being late but quite frankly I’ve realised how much easier it is for me to just do it on the fucking weekend rather than write 1/3 of it every day at work on my lunch break. So this is how it’s going down from now on, it will be your Saturday/Sunday night read.

I’ve now recovered from the fucking Pumpkin Pissing Pie…fuck disaster, my self esteem once again present following the praise I received at work for my Cunting Chocolate Cupcakes. Overall reviews were that they were ‘really nice’. I’ll take that.

One of the gyaldem at work wanted to throw in her two cents and tell me what I should bake this weekend, and proceeded to throw out 10 suggestions of things I’ve already covered. Eventually we got to this weeks bake: The Coffee and Walnut Cake. It’s not one of my favourites, but I feel like that’s the same for a lot of people.

The pro chef recipe I used came from Hugh Fearnley-whateverthefuckhisnameis, from his River Cottage website. The other came from The Huffington Post. The author of this recipe is someone called Holly Bell, who was apparently the runner up on the GBBO in 2011. So yeah, totally fucking obscure and not considered a pro.

Hugh Fearnley-whatever

ingers1I started with his recipe because why the fuck not. The ingredients needed were pretty simple, a standard sponge with the addition of coffee. I don’t really do coffee as I can’t consume caffeine without have what my brother calls a ‘special dance’, (fit) therefore I don’t have espresso powder or any fancy shit like that. What I did find in the back of the cupboard was a half full jar of Aldi coffee granules that I think I bought back from uni before I learned the seizure-samba. I knew the coffee was pretty grim when it was in date, mixc2so I couldn’t imagine how shite it would be a year later…but it was going in the fucking cake.

I beat the fuck into the butter, then added both types of sugar at once. After I had minced all of it to a pulp, I added the eggs one by one and beat well between each mix1.1addition. The fucking point of adding them slowly completely eludes me but I do try to follow the instructions as accurately as possible. I put on the kettle and measured out my coffee granules. I poured the boiling water on top and stirred like a motherfucker. What I expected was a thick, dark liquid with the odd granules at the bottom. What I got was something the consistency of diarrhoea…dark and gloopy with many thick, conglomerated masses floating in it. I had the common sense to pour it through a fine mesh sieve into the cake batter. After I blitzed it together, I had to fold *groan* the flour in and then stir in the chopped walnuts. The mix looked and smelt alright, but unlike normal I didn’t taste it. I did think that it didn’t seem to be enough batter to fill two cake tins, and I was right. The moulds weren’t even half full and the flour wasn’t self raising so I was worried that I would be greeted to two pancakes. I threw them into my preheated incinerator, on a slightly lower temperature than normal. I set the timer for 25mins, the minimum time specified on the recipe. I then proceeded to make the buttercream. Same shit, different glazeday: beat butter and icing sugar together. I added the coffee. All was good. I also had to make a fucking glaze of all cunting things. I have never seen a C&W cake with a glaze on but whatever. This was also easy – mix icing sugar and coffee together until a thick…glaze…comes together. I opened the fucking incinerator door when the timer rang, and was pleasantly surprised that I was’t greeted to a face full of fucking smoke. The cakes were done perfectly, and I wasn’t sure how to react. Normally the fire alarms are going off, you can’t see your own tits through the smog, and my bakes are at least singed round the edges. Not these motherfuckers! Sweet. Maybe I’m finally getting the hang of this shit. Once the cakes had cooled, I covered them in the icing and glaze and threw a handful of walnuts at it. I threw it in the fridge to chill out while I made the second cake.

The Huffington Post

ingres2Again, the same sort of shit. This time only one type of sugar necessary. I measured everything, and the process was basically the same. Cream the butter. Add the sugar. Slowly in with the eggs. Stir in the coffee. Fold in the flour and walnuts. What else can I say? I encountered no problems with these steps, nothing interesting of note whatesoever. I did have the same issue with the coffee but sieving the mix was definitely the answer.

I did notice that this recipe also didn’t yield all that much batter. The cake tins were yet again not even at 50% capacity. I didn’t lose hope, Hugh’s turned out fine despite the lack of batter.mix2

This recipe also needed the same oven temperature so I honestly have fuck all else to report – I made the buttercream in exactly the same way, but this recipe didn’t call for a glaze.

25mins later, the cakes were done – these ones were only very slightly singed on the edges but the damage was so minor I could just scrape it off. I did a similar thing yesterday when I drove my fucking car into a mix2.1muddy verge trying to avoid some prick that pulled out in front of me. The mud scraped off fine….revealing I was missing a fog light and the left hand side of my bumper was fucked, but the thing still moves and there aren’t any warning lights on the dashboard so I consider it a win.

I dolloped the icing on the cakes and threw more nuts at the fucker.

The Comparison


Lee has finally got the fucking message and is giving me helpful feedback on the cakes, something I actually really need this week as I’m unable to consume it myself. Overall, Hugh’s cake was drier but the coffee taste was certainly more prominent. The amount of walnuts was just right and it was his favourite of the two, despite him telling me it was ‘fugly’. The Huffington Post’s cake was prettier and a lot more moist but apparently the coffee taste was just an underlying hint of flavour. He did say it was still enjoyable, so perhaps it depends on how strong you like your coffee. He incorrectly guessed which cake was which which always makes me smirk 🙂

Left: Hugh, right: Huffington

The Ratings

Hugh Fucking-Whatevenishisname?

  • Difficulty: 5/10, only due to crap coffee
  • Presentation: 3/10 according to Lee
  • Taste: 8/10 (apparently)

Huffington Post

  • Difficulty: 3/10 – what more can I say?
  • Presentation: 7/10 – I certainly think it looked more appealing
  • Taste: 6/10 – we’ll just have to take his word for it.

The Final Word










































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