Fucking Chocolate Twatting Tart

Well, I am still snowed the fuck in but we needed supplies, apparently more than I need safety, so I had to creep into town, trying not to fall flat on my face.

Now I know we are well into December and everyone is shoving mince pies up their arses and snorted crushed quality street chocolates, but I am not spending all month baking Christmas shit. Mince pies are not fucking happening, I’ve already done the Christmas cake, and it’s too late to do a Christmas pudding. At most you might get to read about my failed attempts at gingerbread or perhaps a panettone.

So this week I decided to attempt something relatively easy because I’m a busy bitch, I just about have time to wipe my own arse in between Christmas shopping, wrapping, laundry, cooking, ironing, washing, fitness classes, and actually going to my fucking job. The answer? Chocolate tart. Winner. Everyone loves chocolate.

We all know that I am infatuated with Jamie Oliver, so I’m using his rich chocolate tart with salt flakes. I know there’s a lot of hate out there for him because he took ‘turkey twizzlers’ away, but my mum loved me enough to send me to school with a homemade lunch, so I never lost out. The other recipe I used comes from BBC Good Food, with their no-bake tart. The thought of ‘no-bake’ makes my heart flutter with relief and optimism, because it means I don’t have to use the Fucking Incinerator.

ingres

Jamie Oliver

ingres1

Lets start with the naked chef (I fucking wish)

I nearly had a fucking aneurysm when I read that the ingredients list included  ready-made shortcrust pastry. What the shitting scallop is a pro chef doing recommending ready-made dough?? Well, he did also state you could use homemade, but fuck that. I have never used ready made pastry so I did not have a clue where to even find the shit in Sainsbury’s. After spending 10 minutes scouring the baking aisle, it suddenly fucking dawned on me that it might just be in the chilled or frozen section….and sure enough, there it was- directly above the butter. I was so fucking thankful when I saw that the pack was the exact crsut1weight that Jamie had specified that I had a myocardial infarction on top of my aneurysm.

First step: Put pastry in greased tin. I thought this would go terribly because we all know that I am not good with the delicate shite when it comes to baking. I have seen a few videos of bakers slowly easing pastry into tins and moulds, so I tried the most commonly used technique, and things actually went relatively well. I don’t have any baking beans (if anyone wants to send me a Christmas present, then make it that), so I filled cream1the tin with rice (on top of baking paper). Jamie didn’t ask me to prick the pastry with a fork, which I thought odd, but I trust him.

So I threw the tin into the Fucking Incinerator, on a slightly lower temperature than required. In the meantime, I made the fucking filling. This was easy shit. Boil cream, add sugar and salt, melt in the chocolate, and stir. Once I had a delicious brown sludge in front of me, I added the milk and stirred until it was glossy. I was pretty happy with filled1everything at this point, nothing had fucked up. I had the smug, content feeling that a parent must have when they hear that a girl in their child’s school is pregnant. Shit is happening, but not to me and my bake!

I left the pan of heaven on the side and checked on the pastry – all good, so I took out the rice and baked it for another 10 minutes. Upon return, I found that it hadn’t fucking caught alight or turned into charcoal, however the sides had shrunk a bit. Whatever. I took it out, poured in the chocolate, and threw it into the fridge. After a couple of hours, I took it out and sprinkled fucking sea salt flakes on top of it. Did I genuinely spend £2 on a pot of ‘salt flakes’ purely for this fucking bake? Yes, yes I bloody did. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do.

BBC Good Food

ingres2

I started this one a couple of hours after Jamie’s had set…so about an hour previous to me writing this. I am genuinely fucking busy. I gathered the ingredients, melted the butter, and crushed the biscuits. I don’t have a decent food processor, just an old and battered blender which doesn’t cope too well with solids; so I had to use the ‘smash it with a fucking hammer’ technique. I really hate making bases from crushed biscuits and butter because there never seems to be enough of either and I find that it makes the base as unstable as a 14 year old crsut2girl whose boyfriend has been texting that fucking bitch from the year below. I did the best I could and hurled it into the fridge to chill whilst I made the filling.

This, again, was a piece of piss. I can get down with any recipe that tells me to melt the chocolate in a microwave, rather than over boiling water. I nuked the shit into the chocolate and stirred in the icing sugar and vanilla. Whilst that was cooling, I whipped that cream mix2like the NHS gets whipped by the tories. Once it was so thick that it was taking PE and Religious Studies for GCSE’s, I folded in the chocolate. Once that had all combined, I slopped it into the tart crust (sounds like a 80’s slang term for an STI) and put it back in the fridge. Sainsbury’s had fuck all fruit today, so no raspberries to decorate.

The Comparison

It’s easy to see the difference between the two. One is the Idris Elba of tarts: rich, dark, and beautiful. The other is the Rita Ora: average, you probably wouldn’t look twice. Unless your social media focusing on the ‘date night’ shit going on at the moment with her.

Taste tester Lee sampled each slice with some cream. He instantly guessed which tart was which correctly, but for an odd (yet logical) reason: Jamie’s was made with just dark chocolate, dark chocolate is healthier than milk chocolate, Jamie pushes the healthy stuff, therefore the dark one must be Jamie’s. I mean, I couldn’t argue with the tosser. He only realised there was salt on the slice when I prompted him to tell me if he could taste anything but chocolate in there, but I’m glad it wasn’t an overpowering saltiness. His favourite, however, was BBC Good Food’s tart, as it wasn’t as dark and bitter. It was certainly lighter and fluffier, however I didn’t think much of the buttery biscuit base. Overall, my favourite tart was Jamie’s

The Ratings

Jamie Oliver

  • Difficulty: 3/10, without the stress of making the pastry, shit was easy
  • Presentation: 8/10, if the crust hadn’t shrunk, that tart would have been fucking perfect
  • Taste: 8/10, it was definitely dark and certainly not for people who don’t like bitter chocolate

BBC Good Food

  • Difficulty: 5/10. I really struggle with making biscuit bases
  • Presentation: 6/10, could definitely be improved by some decoration
  • Taste: 7/10, not bad, could be richer

The Final Word

Capture.PNG

The answer is simple: she’s a cunt.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s