Happy fucking Sunday, bitches.
This Friday just gone was my office Christmas do (yes, that’s right, I’m actually allowed to work in an office), so I needed to take it easy for the rest of the weekend. I thought that chocolate mousse was more complicated than it turned out to be, whilst still being easy enough so that it wouldn’t mind-fuck my hungover brain.
I was a bit hesitant about the raw egg aspect of it all. I’m no Edwina Currie, but I have enough common sense to know that raw egg isn’t the safest thing to consume. I also don’t do out of date dairy, so I had to buy fresh eggs. Don’t fucking judge me, you can say ‘well they last longer than you think, the use-by date is just a guide’ all you want, but I actually don’t want to fucking die of food poisoning so I try to keep some standards here and there.
Upon googling ‘chocolate mousse recipe’ I realised that nearly every twatting chef out there has posted one online. Nigella, Delia, Mary ‘mothafucka’ Berry, James Martin, etc etc etc. It did cross my mind that I could do a ‘christmas special’ post and pitch all of their recipes against each other, but I’m both busy with shit and still have some alcohol in my blood levels, so I decided against it. Maybe another time. (probs not though).p
Whilst I was happy that I needed like 5 ingredients in total, I did use an offensive shitting amount of eggs that needed separating, something I don’t have much skill at. I gathered my shit together and broke out the electric whisks.
Raymond ‘garlic eating surrender monkey’ Blanc
Ingredients: Chocolate, eggs, lemon juice, and caster sugar. Simple shit.
The first step was to melt the chocolate over simmering water. Fuck that. Firstly, I don’t have a bowl big enough to sit above the pan; secondly, I cannot be fucked with that. Into the microwave the chocolate went. I nuked the fuck out of it and placed my liquid heart attack to the side whilst I whisked the shit into the egg whites. I added the 1/4 teaspoon (what a stupid fucking measurement) of lemon juice, and I’m 70% certain it did actually make a difference- I swear that white shit got stiff quicker than a well known hollywood celebrity looking at any young, female star like a piece of meat. I then added the sugar and continued to whisk until it I had firm peaks.
I then had to whisk in some of the whites into the melted chocolate, quickly and brutally, so the chocolate didn’t seize. I absolutely fucked that mix up, whisking it like my life depended on it….and it fucking seized. Awesome. I did my best, and folded the rest of the whites in (this did help fractionally, but the mix certainly was…chunky.
I poured the shite into my receptacles (not fucking martini glasses as Raymond suggested, because I’m not classy enough for that bollocks.) I threw them into the fridge and started on Gousto’s recipe.
Basically, same shit. Separate the eggs, melt the chocolate. Now, I didn’t read this recipe before following it, so I didn’t realise I needed to retain the egg yolks….which, as you can see, I had poured into a jar with no due care or attention. I tried my best to fish out 3 whole yolks and put them to the side.
I whisked the cunting egg whites and sugar together until I had another stiff and white meringue mix.
After that, I had to channel my inner octopus and attempt to do 2 things at once: whisk the egg yolks with some of the egg whites, whilst slowly pouring in the melted chocolate (to which I had added the salt). Gousto didn’t suggest I do this, but the chocolate was hot and I have made the stupid fucking mistake of dumping molten chocolate into an egg mix before and ending up with scrambled shit. I stirred until it was all nice and smooth.
I then folded the rest of the whites into the mix – I really do bloody hate folding, I don’t have enough strength in my wrist for it. Need to get one of those shake-weights.
I ended up with a slimy, shiny, dark gloop. I poured that into some ramekins that I found hiding in the back of the cupboard, behind the 234 mugs that have been hoarded, and threw those into the fridge next to Le Frog’s. I was so fucking grateful that I didn’t have to use the Fucking Incinerator™ this weekend, I don’t think my queasy stomach could have handled the smell of burning or a face full of smoke.
Annoyingly for me, Taste Tester Lee is on a diet at the moment so was resistant to try any of the mousse, but I eventually forced a spoon down his throat. Overall, he said that both of them were basically the fucking same. He preferred Raymond’s mousse because it had ‘little chocolate bits in it’….this made me laugh, as he had no idea that they weren’t meant to be in there, it was just a result of the cunting chocolate seizing up. That being said, it was my favourite too because it certainly tasted lighter and fluffier than Gousto’s. Both of them had firmed up significantly in the fridge, but Gousto’s was more dense and it just didn’t seem as airy as a mousse should be, in addition to being quite bitter. To be honest, I have no idea what I’m fucking talking about, I grew up eating Tesco Value chocolate mousses and loved them.
- Difficulty: 4/5 (the hardest part was separating the eggs)
- Presentation: 7/10 (not restaurant worthy but not like the attempt of a toddler)
- Taste: 9/10 (pretty damn fucking delicious, shame about the seized chocolate)
- Difficulty: 3/10 (purely because there were less eggs to fanny about with)
- Presentation: 6/10 (much smoother and shiner than Ray’s)
- Taste: 6/10 (just…..ergh….)
The Final Word
Tesco Value chocolate mousse: