Fucking Churros

Those of you that care (yes, all three of you) will have noticed that there hasn’t been a post in a little while. Why? Was I gravely ill? Injured in a freak baking accident? Family food poisoning emergency? No. It was because it was fucking Christmas time and believe it or not, I occasionally enjoy spending time with my friends and loved ones. I did actually do a metric fuck tonne of baking for my family, including vanilla biscuits, cakes, muffins, truffles, and cake pops. But I could not be fucked to do the ‘compare two chefs’ bollocks.

I did however decide that it was time to resume the blog and after many nagging and relentless requests, I made some churros (last Friday of the month = foreign dessert). You may think that churros come from Mexico or some shit but actually the origins are unclear, and Wikipedia tells me there is a chance that they arrived in Portugal from the Chinese, and then migrated to Spain.

The pro recipe I used comes from top baking bitch, Martha Stewart. Now, the other recipe I believed came from a run of the mill blog, obviously not as good as mine, called Recipe Tin Eats, however tucked away in the ‘notes’ section of the page was a comment where this bitch admitted it was a Nigella recipe (something I didn’t notice until well after I had made the fuckers). So, as a New Years special edition, this post pitches two pro bakers head to head.

 

Martha fucking Stewart

prep1

I was happy to read that this recipe only had 4 steps: Make the batter, put batter into piping bag, fry the shit out of the batter, then dust the results in sugar.

Making the batter was simple: melt the sugar, salt, and butter in boiling water in a pan. I did worry slightly as it looked like an oil slick and wasn’t combining, but

butter1eventually it conformed. I then sieved in the flour and stirred some more.

I dumped the floury gloop into my mixer and fucked it up with my electric mixer. This stuff was fucking hot so I was very apprehensive of putting raw eggs into it, knowing my fucking luck the stuff would just turn into scrambled shite.

butter2I closed my eyes, took a breath, and added them in separately and slowly. The mix looked like vomit (specifically the type of vomit that spews out of you after you’ve had an Indian and 3 bottles of red wine), but the eggs didn’t seem to have cooked. Sweet as fuck.

After the mix was as beaten as a 50’s housewife who had the audacity to question her husband, I spooned into a mix1piping bag fitted with a large star nozzle. I got a bountiful harvest of gifts this Christmas, the majority of which were either MAC vouchers (fuck off, I am a makeup artist at heart and don’t care how much money I spend on a bottle of foundation), and new toys for the kitchen. This included 24 new piping nozzles, a new apron- which makes me look like that 50’s housewife- a confectionery thermometer, and a fucking oven temperature gauge. If you have followed my blog at all, you know that the Fucking Incinerator oilcompletely blackens anything and everything I bake, so I put the gauge to use as soon as I opened it. My fucking oven was nearly FIFTY FUCKING DEGREES too hot.

Anyway.

I piped the batter, which was runnier than I thought it would be, into my pan of heated oil (which I bought to temperature using my new and shiny thermometer). This was reminiscent of a dog taking a shit…a dog with a funny shaped arsehole, that is. As mentioned in previous posts, I am not a fucking octopus so squeezing the bag to pipe a consistent log churro and snipping off the end was tricky. It did take a batch or two before I got the technique down properly. I half expected the fuckers to disintegrate on contact, but they bubbled and floated nicely in the burning oil.inoil1

After 3-4 minutes and a flip halfway through, I retrieved them and placed them on a chopping board…I forgot to buy kitchen roll to soak up the excess oil, but that wasn’t the end of the world. I rolled them in the sugar, and immediately realised they were too hot and too oily, so I left them on the side until I had used up all of the batter.

Martha does link to a chocolate dipping sauce but it involved fucking chilies and god knows what else, so I just made two lots of the sauce from Recipe Tin Eats instead.

Recipe Tin Eats/Nigella

mix2

This recipe was even simpler: mix the dry ingredients with boiling water and a little oil, and transfer into the bag. No eggs. No butter. As a result, this dough was a lot thicker than Martha’s. I knew instantly that it was not in anyway going to fucking work, so I kept adding hot water until it was still thick but pipe-able. I threw the bag to the side and heated up some more oil. This recipe specified a 15cm churro, but there was more chance of Theresa May suddenly growing a bag2heart than me cracking out a ruler and measuring the shitting dough. I thought I’d be clever and try to pipe a heart shaped one on some baking paper and transferring it into the oil, but that didn’t happen. Instead I attempted to pipe a heart directly into the pan, and it came out looking like a fucked up pretzel.

These churros took more or less the same amount of time to turn golden and crispy, and I sugarfished them out and let them cool before rolling them in the cinnamon sugar (made by mixing cinnamon and sugar…even Trump would manage that).

I made the chocolate dipping sauce, and took a step back to admire my work. These cunts looked good.

The Comparison

There wasn’t a whole lot of difference between the two piles of diabetes. I tried one of each before rolling them in sugar, and Martha’s were definitely sweeter. However, I feel both of them had the same crunch and crispiness.

In terms of presentation, again, they both looked near identical in terms of color. Nigella’s churros looked straighter, but I think that’s just because my skills had improved by the time I got the last couple of batches.

coma

I also think that the cinnamon sugar was much better than just a dusting of icing sugar, so after the taste test had been completed, I dunked Martha’s into the left overs. It wasn’t crazy cinammon-y, but still fucking delicious. The chocolate sauce was just a standard, run of the mill sauce, but there was an obscene amount of it. There was also an offensive amount of churros, each bagful of batter produced enough to fill two roasting dishes (the only containers that were clean following a week of cooking utter shit and eating whatever found in the fridge).

result3.jpg
Left: Nigella, Right: Martha

Lee preferred Martha’s, but he was too busy hoovering up every last churro to really tell me why. I also preferred Martha’s as they were definitely much sweeter and more crunchy.

Overall, these fuckers were proper easy to make and I will definitely be doing them again when I need to impress dinner guests (lol, we never have guests). We have enough leftover churros to feed a small army, so 5 minute in the oven to crisp up again is all that will be needed to restore them to crunchy greatness.

The Ratings

Martha bitchin’ Stewart

  • Difficulty: 5/10 (piping into the oil was the trickiest part)
  • Presentation: 8/10 (definitely looked like a churro, only wonkier)
  • Taste: 6/10 without cinnamon sugar, 10/10 with it

Recipe Tin Eats/Nigella

  • Difficulty: 5/10 (same as above)
  • Presentation: 9/10 (much straighter)
  • Taste: 8/10 (certainly less sweet but still good)

The Final Word

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2 thoughts on “Fucking Churros”

  1. Thank you, you are a delight. However, one correction: I can confidently tell you, as an American, Trump would find a way to fuck up cinnamon sugar. He would try to build a wall around this recipe at the very least.

    Like

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