Bollocky Banana Bread

Good morning. Yeah I know this post is late but I’ve been busy doing fuck all so, and this is MY blog so shove that up your arse.

Lee asked for banana bread last week and it looked pretty simple, so why the fuck not. If you have read my Banoffee Pie post, you’ll know that I think bananas are the spawn of fucking satan and I wouldn’t eat one if Zac Efron promised I could do it off of his abs. This does have some advantages: as you may or may not be aware, I am a fat fuck and I don’t need to be eating any more cake.

The pro recipe comes from the Naked Chef (Jamie Oliver), and the other recipe comes from Lee told me that recently my bakes have all been similar, so I should try to find two recipes that differ slightly. For example, when it came to my Chocolate Cheesecake post, one was baked and the other just chilled. So for this banana bread, one is WILDLY different in that it has some chocolate chips in it.



This is the recipe with the chocolate fucking chips, so I already think that this banana bread is going to be better. I sorted my ingredients out, which included 3 whole bloody bananas that I had to mash up whilst trying not to vomit.

I preheated the oven, which I am no longer dubbing the ‘Fucking Incinerator’, as since I acquired an oven thermometer I can now throw my bakes into it without fear of it returning as charcoal.

I got my loaf tin and didn’t even consider greasing it properly because bitches be busy, so I cracked out a loaf tin liner and pressed it in. I cannot emphasise how much better tin liners are than taking 3 minutes to grease shit up. Cheaters do win sometimes.


I creamed the butter and sugar in a bowl. I have learned recently that you really do have to beat the fuck into butter and sugar until it’s as pale as an anaemic 16 year old, so once I’d got it there I added the eggs one at a time (if someone can let me know why the fuck you have to add eggs one by one then that’d be good). The mix didn’t look great at all, more like a slimy, congealed bowl of shite.  I then held my breath whilst adding in the sludge of banana, milk, and cinnamon. This mix did not get any better looking- if I had actually vomited from the smell of bananas you wouldn’t be able to tell the fucking difference between that and this batter. wet mix 1The last chance this mix had to go through puberty and emerge far more attractive was when I added the dry shit and stirred. Low and behold, it did improve. It didn’t quite do a Matthew Lewis, but certainly a better result than Macaulay Culkin. I stirred in the chocolate chips and dolloped the batter into the loaf tin. I double checked that my oven was definitely at 150 C (lower than the recommended 170 C as I have a fan oven), and it was dead on temperature. Despite the fact the dial was pointing at 110 C.

I threw it into the oven and set the timer…for 70 fuCKING MINUTES?? I’ve been tricked like this before,intin1 so I took 20 minutes off so I could check its progress. Of course, as I am boss as bitch, I was obviously fucking right to check the cake early as it was definitely done after about 55mins.

It did look a bit brown and felt a bit crispy, but certainly not to the extent my previous bakes have suffered through. I lifted the loaf out of the tin and left it to cool.


Jamie Oliver



Right motherfucker, lets go. I do Jamie so he always has a lot to live up to when I use and abuse him. He suggests using overripe bananas, but I don’t have a clue what they look like so I just grabbed the first bunch I saw in Sainsbury’s.

I cranked the oven up 10 C and grabbed another tin liner. Now, he did tell me grease the tin with olive oil but I don’t buy olive oil given the current economic climate (as if I don’t spend enough on baking supplies every week) and the liner really is far fucking superior. I did however follow his advice on lightly flouring the sides and rim as the recipe uses banana2self raising flour and knowing my luck it will rise higher than Snoop Dogg.

I mashed the yellow cunts with a fork until I had a mixture of….smooth and chunky? What the fuck does that mean, Jamie? Whatever. I added the juice and threw the bowl to the side. Jamie then told me to beat the butter with a wooden spoon until creamy, but I have a perfectly good whisk and evidently more than 4 brain cells, so I did it the easy way. After I had put minimum effort into beating the shit into the butter, I added the eggs one by one. This mix didn’t look lumpy, like Jamie eggbutter2suggested it might, but more like a separated gloop. I have seen natural childbirth twice, and all I can think of is the fucking mess involved in that is reminiscent of this butter/egg mix (without the blood and screaming and tearing and crying and ruined body and regret and a horrified look on the husbands face as he realises he’s now got both a woman with a fucked up fanny and 18 years of hell to look forward to).

I then added the banana mix, honey, and all the dry ingredients at the same time and mixed. I opted not to use pecans because I couldn’t be fucked, so I went straight ahead and poured it into the tin and hurled it into the oven. intin2

I set the timer 10 mins early, and upon checking I noticed it certainly needed the last 10 minutes. And another 10 shitting minutes on top of that. This cake looked pale, soggy, and under-cooked even when the knife came out clean. I gave it just 5 more minutes just in case but no bloody change. I released it from the tin and went to sit down with a glass of vodka wine.

The Comparison

In terms of looks, it was sort of hard to judge as I hadn’t ever eaten banana bread before. I thought that the AllRecipes loaf looked way better but Lee instantly told me it was burnt. Fine, fuck that then.

Right: AllRecipes, left: Jamie

Upon taste, Lee yet again told me ‘it’s burnt’ (or at least I thought that’s what he said through his chewing). He did however, upon reflection and a few more bites, admit that actually it was moist on the inside and the chocolate chips really added to the flavour. He did also say that the banana flavour wasn’t that strong at all.


Definitely did not forget to take a picture before serving them..

He couldn’t possibly say that Jamie’s was burnt as it still looked underdone, but he didn’t say it was still gooey on the inside. His main concern was that he could not taste any banana in whatsofuckingever. Both loafs contained 3 bananas each, yet he was adamant that I had forgotten to add something? Yeah, sorry, just forgot to add the fucking bananas to the fucking banana bread? Nah. I had a nibble of a bit of AllRecipes and wasn’t a fan as I could definitely taste the bananas, and I didn’t bother with Jamie’s.

Lee guessed which loaf was which wrong (ha), and ultimately AllRecipes was his favourite. Sorry Jamie.

I have no fucking idea what to bake this weekend so if anyone would like to offer up an idea then leave a comment. And maybe even share the blog with a friend as I’ve noticed reader numbers are going down. Not that I’m upset. I don’t have a heart or soul. I’m definitely not crying into my cake batter. Not at all.

The Final Word




4 thoughts on “Bollocky Banana Bread”

  1. As someone who actually LOVES bananas (sorry) I have to say adding chocolate chips to banana bread and sometimes even walnuts makes it amazing. Maybe some cunting croissants for the weekend?


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