Right so I think I’ve sorted the shitey internet issues I’ve been having (by hijacking Lee’s laptop), so I can finally write about last weekends bake: the classic Sticky Toffee Pudding. A true delight.
Following some criticism I’ve recently had regarding how the two recipes I compare are always the same, I’ve put some more effort into finding some that have big differences.
The pro recipe I used comes from the one and only, the motherfucker who has inspired me and this blog, hunk Gordon Ramsay. I actually found this recipe on another blog rather than an official Ramsay page, but whatever. This recipe has both dates and cocoa powder in it, so a contrast to the recipe from AllRecipes.co.uk. Now, I know I’ve used a lot of recipes from this site and I really need to find a different source, or even go back to youtube videos- but I was actually linked to this through another blog and I just didnt fucking clock what I was using.
I gathered my shit together and my lovely new toy – a banging food processor, something I’ve needed for a long arse time.
Gordon fucking Ramsay
Gordon instructed me to use a sponge cake tin….a round one? A rectangular one? The best cake tin I have is a round spring-form one, so I used that. I preheated my oven and cracked the fuck on.
I stuck the dates into my food processor to chop them up, which really is a task that tests the metal of a processor. It coped well, it did vibrate and shake with the intensity of the equipment you can find at the back of Ann Summers, but it did the job.
I dumped my chopped to fuck dates, water, and sugar into my non-stick pan and heated that shit up. Whilst it simmered, I made the espresso and mixed the dry ingredients together. After the date/sugar/water mix had finished stewing, I folded the dry into the wet. I fucking hate folding (as you will know if you’ve followed my blog from the beginning), but I did it nonetheless because I needed a successful bake to shut Lee the fuck up. He’s been moaning that last weeks Bollocky Banana Bread was shit.
I then read the next step: blend the mix. So why the fuck did I just spend 5 minutes of my fucking life folding?! Gordon, what the actual fuck. I do have a blender, but not a nutri-bullet, and in previous bakes it has failed me more than Jeremy
Cunt Hunt has failed the NHS. So I whacked it all back into the processor and that bitch did the fucking job no problem. It was at this point I realised…when do I add the cocoa powder? This recipe had no fucking indication of where I should add, or even whether to add it to the fucking cake batter or sauce. I thought WWGD? He would say something along the lines of usE SOME FUCKING COMMON SENSE, PANINI HEAD, WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT GOES? FUCK ME WHAT THE FUCK. I threw the powder into the processor as well and hoped for the best.
Once that had been blitzed to shit, I poured it into my mixing bowl and dumped in the butter, coffee, and vanilla. I whisked that for a few minutes and then added the eggs. This must be the first twatting recipe that hasn’t told me to add the eggs one at a time, so I took advantage of that and threw all fucking three of them in at once. After a thorough whisking, I poured it into my tin and hurled the fucker into the oven.
Whilst that was baking, I made the toffee sauce: easy shit really, add the sugar, butter, cream, and salt into a pan and simmer whilst mixing. This took all of 5 minutes. I poured it into a jar and waited for the cake to finish cooking. Once it was out of the oven and cooled off, I took out of the tin and poured the sauce on top. There was easily far too much fucking sauce, and a week later I still have some left.
So this recipe had 6 steps, fucking sweet. Easier than a white girl with daddy issues who’s been on the rosé all night to get over ‘that bastard’.
I sifted the dry shit together and mixed it with the sugar. In another bowl I whisked the milk, eggs, butter, and vanilla. I had to whisk until a ‘light, frothy foam’ had appeared on top. I can’t fucking deal with instructions like this because how the fuck am I to know how light/frothy/foamy it needs to be? I whisked for a minute and no foam had formed, so I left it on whisk for another 5 minutes…still nothing, just some bubbles. I whisked just a few minutes more and no change, so I thought FUCK THIS and added the gloopy mix to the dry goods. All I had to do now was pour it into my baking dish – this time I used a large roasting dish, which turned out to be just an inch or two too big, which can be a nice yet stinging surprise occasionally, but in this instance was a bit disappointing. It didn’t make the world of difference but I like my cake slices to be thicker than the girls who do ‘hair and beauty’ at college.
I threw it into the oven, and made the sauce in the meantime. This was exactly the same as Gordon’s special sauce, just with the omission of the salt. I poured that into another jar and started the 39 minutes process of scraping and scrubbing the toffee remnants off of the pan.
Once the cake was done, I poked holes into it and poured the sauce over the top. I was pleased to see that even though the cake was spread thinner than I’d have liked, it wasn’t burnt (largely thanks to my new oven thermometer that I could never be without).
The house smelt like a toffee eating unicorn had exploded in the kitchen and my nails looked like I’d given a colonoscopy to a cow without wearing gloves, but this puddings looked decent enough.
In terms of looks, AllRecipes cetainly won the contest. It was the right sort of shape, consistent thickness, and a nice golden colour. Gordon’s on the other hand was a bit lopsided, I’m guessing because it was baked in a round tin…you know how round cakes often come out with an interesting slope to them. It was also much darker, but it did have all that fucking cocoa powder and the dates so I can excuse that.
Above: Before the sauce went on
I presented them to Lee, who looked apprehensive. That banana bread fucking traumatised him the bloody pansy. He took a bite, and suddenly decided that perhaps I wasn’t trying to poison him. His words were ‘it’s a renaissance in your baking, following last weeks disaster’. I didn’t actually think that that fucking bread was that hideous. Prick.
He decided that AllRecipes was his favourite, as it had more of a classic sticky toffee pudding texture and flavour. He didn’t guess which recipe was which correctly, which I always think is funny.
I actually preferred the taste of el Gordo’s, the chocolate definitely added something. I couldn’t taste the coffee, which was probably for the best, and I thought it was far moister than the AllRecipes pudding. Nothing can really be said about the sauces, they both tasted exactly the same and really good. Not crazy sticky or crazy thick, a pretty standard, nice toffee sauce.
Gordon motherfucking Ramsay
- Difficulty: 6/10 (lots of mixing and processing, but at least I had the processor)
- Presentation: 4/10 (an…interesting…fucking shape, perhaps a square tin is best)
- Taste: 8/10 (lush as fuck, love the chocolate)
- Difficulty: 3/10 (no dates = no sticky chopping)
- Presentation: 8/10 (could have been thicker)
- Taste: 7/10 (still really good, I just preferred the chocolate in Gordon’s)
The Final Word