Viennese Fucking Whirls

Look, I know it has been a while. I am having the most dire fucking wifi/internet problems at the moment. Our coverage has virtually died in the last month, and no matter what I try, I’m unable to save it. EE really need to sort their shit out. I kept promising I would upload this post at work, as I had already written it a few weeks ago, I just wasn’t able to publish it. I’m currently posting this using a mobile hotspot. So, read this as if it was 2 weeks ago, cunts:

This weekend I thought I’d attempt something semi-difficult, and I thought Viennese Whirls would fit that description. I’m not great with piping or pastry, so this would challenge me.

For my basic recipe, I went to the Tesco Real Food website, which offered up Black Forest Viennese Whirls. In my continued attempt to make sure the two recipes are different, I thought this would be fucking perfect – who the fuck has even heard of Black Forest Viennese Whirls?

For my pro recipe, I went to none other than Literally-Brokeback-Mountains – The Hairy Bikers. They had a basic Viennese Whirl recipe, which was chill with me.



I gathered my ingredients up – flour, cornflour, icing sugar, and butter…and vanilla? Shit. I fucking forgot to pick up vanilla when I was at the shops, so no sooner than 10 minutes after I came back, I had to go back. It’s not just WordPress and the ingredients that are costing me, but the fucking petrol as well.

I used my spangly new food processor to blitz the shit into the dry ingredients and butter (and the wanking vanilla). This processor is more efficient than the checkout staff at Aldi. It made small work of blending the ingredients, and I ended up with a smooth dough.

pipe1My next task was to ‘spoon’ the mix into a piping bag with star nozzle. This was fucking impossible, because the dough was basically solid. So solid, in fact, that it wouldn’t squeeze through the nozzle and even split the shitting seam of the piping bag…which ironically was from Tesco. I loaded another bag and dumped in the dough, and proceeded to molest it. A 5 minute massage, giving it a good squish and a poke, and it definitely softened. Exactly the same way that guests on Jeremy Kyle end up pregnant.

I piped ‘rosettes’ onto my baking tray lined with baking paper. I truly am shite at piping anything, from icing to dough, so the first few were both misshapen and wonky, a bit like Theresa May’s nose.

After a few rounds, and googling several fucking pictures of Viennese Whirls, I just about got the hang of it. I mean they still looked pretty shit in the grand scheme of things, but outofoven4whatever. I whacked them in my preheated oven for 10 minutes, and in the meantime prepared the buttercream. Easy shit as usual, beat the fuck into the icing sugar, butter, and vanilla, then spoon it into a bag. Yes, I actually fucking managed to complete this challenge.

After 10 minute, I checked on the whirls and was presently surprised to see that they weren’t burnt to a crisp. They didn’t feel firm, so I left them in another 2 minutes and when the timer rang, they looked perfect. I took them out, and because I’m an inpatient cunt, transferred them straight to a cooling rack…and a couple crumbled easier than a man faced with his football team suddenly becoming a goal down in the 92nd minute.choc1

Whilst they were cooling, I melted the dark chocolate. I am skint as fuck at the moment as I’ve just moved into a new job…after the cut off point for getting paid, so I have to live on my December pay cheque until the end of the month. Therefore, I had to use Sainsbury’s basics dark chocolate at 55p per 100g. Tastes like bleach, but does the job. I accept paypal if any of you fuckers want to donate to me being able to eat for the next few weeks.

I also cracked out the cherry conserve, which was considerably more expensive. Annoyingly, Sainsbury’s does jam in every fucking flavour except cherry. I saw a fucking ginger jam or some shit in there whilst I was looking.

dunkI dunked each biscuit into the chocolate, coming up about halfway, and forgot that as I didn’t temper the chocolate, I had to put the fuckers back into the fridge for 5 minutes. After they had hardened up, I piped a swirl of the buttercream onto half of the biscuits, and a dolloped a spoonful of the conserve on the other half. I sandwiched the cunts together, and voila – fancy as fuck Viennese Whirls. I put them back in the fridge while I made the next lot.

The Hairy Bikers


This was more or less the same shit. Blitz the various powders with some butter (which I had purposely softened to the point of melting, in an attempt to make the dough a bit squishier), and shoved the crap into the bag.

Trying to soften the butter further did not fucking work. I had to sexually assault this batch of pastry as well. In fact, if anything, I had to be more aggressive in my approach.

Eventually it was just about pipeable, and with all my fucking might I started squeezing. These whirls looked far fucking better than the first, obviously due to the practice. I actually managed to pipe them a lot quicker as well. Where’s my fucking gold star, bitches?

outofoven3They went into the oven, at the same temperature, for about 15 minutes. They were certainly done when their time was up, however one tray had darkened a shade or two more than the other. I put this down to the two trays being on different racks in the oven. I made the buttercream as they were cooling down, again the same shit, and got the raspberry jam out the cupboard.

I opened it to find there was a new fucking life form growing on the surface. Luckily I had some strawberry jam, and to be honest there is no fucking difference. I opened that one…only to fucking find that this jar was also growing it’s own colony! THIS is why jams and sauces belong in the fucking fridge, not the cupboard. My last hope was the blackcurrant jam. I was certainly not going on another adventure to the shop, so it was this or peanutbutter. By fucking miracle, the blackcurrant jam was fine. I spooned a little onto half of the whirls, and piped the icing on the rest.sandiwch1

This process was definitely made both fucking easier and shorted without all the chocolate bollocks being involved.

I sandwiched the twats together and went for a nap.

The Comparison

I think most of you can guess that the Black Forest Viennese Whirls were much better than the plain ones with blackcurrant jam. I mean, the blackcurrant ones were nice, but they weren’t dipped in chocolate made primarily of asbestos.

Lee preferred the Black ones, but said that both of the biscuits were very similar in taste and texture. That makes sense, both the recipes were near on the fucking same. He had little else to say about it, but I’m fucking knackered and I couldn’t be fucked to get more detail out of him.


He didn’t correctly guess which whirl belonged to which recipe, but nobody really fucking cares about this aspect of the blog.

The Ratings

Tesco Black Forest Viennese Whirls

  • Difficulty: 6/10 (largely due to stiffness of dough and chocolate nonsense)
  • Presentation: 8/10 (I actually thought it was a shame that the chocolate covered up the attractive swirl)
  • Taste: 9/10 (could have been 10/10 if I had bought decent quality chocolate)

Fucked up Hairy Blackcurrant Whirls

  • Difficulty: 3/10 (stiffness again)
  • Presentation: 9/10 (if that jam had been red, whatever the fucking flavour, people would pay for the fuckers)
  • Taste: 7/10 (not bad at all, just not….amazing)

Overall, I would certainly make the Hairy Bikers’ whirls again once I had jam that didn’t have fur.

The Final Word

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