Motherfucking Marble Cake

Good evening.

I write this post with a broken heart, but it was a post I knew was coming. I had to use a Paul ‘traitor’ Hollywood.

I thought it had been a while since I baked an actual cake, so I was thinking about all the different cakes out there that I could make. A memory flashed to mind – many years ago I was at a bonfire party and one of the old biddies brought a homemade chocolate marble cake. It was fucking delicious. So why not give it a go?

Now, upon googling ‘chocolate marble cake’, Mary Berry’s was the first recipe to appear. I do love old Bezza, but I can’t keep using her, Delia, and Nigella every week. So I gritted my teeth and clicked on this bastard’s recipe, courtesy of goodtoknow.co.uk

The other recipe came from the Sainbury’s website. This recipe called for a chocolate ganache, so I couldn’t pass up the chance to make one. Ganache is the fucking bomb.

I also bought a ready made marble cake, again from Sainsbury’s, which you can find here. In store, you can find it down the aisle of ready made cakes for poor people who can’t be bothered to cook.

Sainsbury’s

igres2I most definitely did NOT give a fucking ounce of respect to Paul ‘mutineer’ Hollywood and use his recipe first, so I threw together the ingredients for the Sainsbury’s cake. A relatively basic mix, the components are basically the same as what you would use for a regular sponge cake (plus the chocolate and syrup for the ganache).

The first step was obviously to preheat the ‘fucking incinerator’, a term that is now being used by various work colleagues and family. Good to know someone actually takes notice of my blog. As always, on a cooler temperature than required.

I then greased my spring-form cake tin like I was lathering Rupert Grint in bath oil (fuck off he’s fit, if you’re into mega-loaded ginger actors who starred in the Harry Potter movies). If you have read previous posts, my track record with releasing cakes from the tin is pretty shite. Not only did I grease, but I laid baking paper down and greased that as well.

glug

I slid the tin to the side and cracked on with the actual batter. Step one: beat the fuck into the butter and sugar until ‘light and creamy’ (total bullshit measurement). I don’t know what is wrong with the electric whisks at the moment but they’re really not holding up to standard when it comes to creaming butter. Whatever, until the thing spontaneously combusts I will continue to abuse it. I then beat the eggs in one at a time…the concept of which is fucking beyond me. What cunting difference does it make?!

mix2

After I poured in some of my vanilla extract, I dumped in the flour and and milk and gave that a good blitz as well. The result was just a basic bitch batter- nothing special but would still put 219 pictures of Starbucks coffee cups, ugg boots, and leggings up on instagram.

I then separated the mix like I was parting the red sea, and stirred in the cocoa powder and another tbsp of milk into one half. This batter was much more appealing to me but I am gay for chocolate (another thing I would spread on Rupert Grint’s body if I could).

mix22

I then went through the painstaking task of dolloping friggin spoonfuls of each mix randomly in the tin. Now, there was a fair amount of this gloop and my spoon didn’t have much girth, so this took more time than I feel it should have. The recipe then called for me to drag a skewer through the mix to give it the marble effect but I had no energy for any more washing up than necessary so I just used the fucking spoon to do the job. Worked fine in my opinion. I forgot to take a picture of this before I put it in the oven, so excuse the shoddy image I took. I set the timer to go off early and got started on the ganache. I melted the water, syrup, and 22656406_10210496205982898_133342966_nsugar in a pan and brought it up to a boil…which actually didn’t take long. A much quicker process than melting straight sugar. Once the bubbles appeared, I removed the pan from the heat and threw in the chocolate. I left it all for a minute, then started stirring it together.

The result was shite. Utter shite. It was grainy, but what the fuck do you even expect when you mix water with melted chocolate. I put it back on the heat in the hopes that it might smooth things out again, and to my surprise it actually worked. After I finally had a glossy, chocolatey, sexy ganache, I put the bowl into the fridge to firm up a bit.

ganache

My timer rang. The hour of judgement. Would the Fucking Incinerator grant me a nicely cooked cake or a burnt mess? Fucking amazingly, it was the former. I obviously had the normally singed top but it’s nothing you can’t cut off (something I feel Harvey Weinstein would do well to remember).resu,t2

 

I popped this bitchin’ cake out of the tin, left it to cool, then spread the ganache on top. This thing looked delicious and my kitchen smelt like heaven, so I was happy.

 

 

Paul ‘Viper’ Hollywood

ingre1I turned my framed picture of Mary Berry away, so she couldn’t see the act of pure evil I was committing. I adjusted the FI’s temperature accordingly, and greased a loaf tin (again, the grease-paper-grease) method.

I started the mix…and realised quite quickly that this recipe was nearly a carbon copy of the Sainsbury’s recipe. The only differences were the amounts of each ingredient, the addition of baking powder and less milk. Hm.

mix1

Chanelling my inner OJ Simpson, I pulverised this pasty white mix. Same shit, different recipe – beat the fuck into the sugar and butter, add eggs and vanilla, stir in flour and baking powder.

I’m sorry this part of the blog is less detailed but there really is fuck all to write and the blue-eyed fuck doesn’t deserve anymore of my time and energy.

choc 1

I separated one third of the mix and poured it into a bowl, and mixed in the cocoa powder, remaining sugar, and milk. I then poured the plain vanilla mix into my tin, which nearly filled the fucking thing. I then added the chocolate mix on top. I did then realise that marbling this shit was not going to be easy…and it wasn’t. Perhaps if I was instructed to dollop each mix in spoonfuls, it would have been a bit better. The tin was so full that I couldn’t be too vigorous with the stirring, but with the two mixes being in practically two separate layers meant I couldn’t integrate them as much as I wanted.

I then threw this into the Fucking Incinerator – the recipe said it might take up to 70 MINUTES. I knew instantly upon reading that, that the FI would nuke the fucking thing so I set the timer for 40 minutes and left the kitchen to have a sit down and to drink away the memories if using Paul ‘Judas’ Hollywood’s recipe and not Mary Berry’s.

Extremely drunk slightly tipsy, I returned to the kitchen after the 40 minutes were up and nomarbleopening the FI’s door. No smoke again (winner), but the cake was a bit…jiggly. I pushed the tin back in for 10 mins, after which it seemed much more solid but definitely had some crispy edges. Nothing you can’t trim. I turned the loaf out on the cooling rack which is pretty redundant as it has sunk so much the wire is nearly touching the counter top. You can see quite clearly that there wasn’t much of a marble effect going on.

The Comparison

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comp1
The cake on the right looks a lot more burnt than it actually is, promise!

Upon first looks, you can see quite clearly that the Sainsbury’s recipe turned out better than Dickhead’s. I like that there was a ganache on top for extra chocolatey-ness, but it probably wasn’t all that necessary.

You can also see the shop bought cake is pretty shit. Like that really is a cake that the skanky cow next door would buy to try and impress the social worker coming in for a ‘routine check up’ on her 5 children.

slice
Top left: Sainsburys, top right: Shop bought, bottom: Bastard’s

I was more impressed (annoyingly) with the Snake’s cake once I cut a slice, but it still wasn’t as marbled as it should have been.

I presented taste tester Lee with a slice of each cake and awaited with baited breath for his verdict. You know what he said? ‘Average’. For each slice. ‘Average’. I am fucking SCREAMING out for a new taste tester so let me know if you’d like to volunteer as tribute.

After I had just about managed to draw blood from the stone, he said that the Sainsbury’s recipe cake was his favourite and that he, too, liked the ganache. He did guess which cake was which correctly as well. I took slices of the Prick’s and the shop bought cake into work and the reviews were generally positive. Better than last week when I was told my cookies were shit anyway. I also sent three slices of the Sainsbury’s recipe cake for sampling to one of my readers, and I am looking forward to both receiving feedback and getting my tupperware back (it’s new).

The Rating

Sainsbury’s Recipe

  • Difficulty: 5/10, the hardest part was melting the sugar for the ganache and even that was easy
  • Presentation: 7/10, the marbling looked good but I could have made more effort really
  • Taste: 9/10, I think it was fucking delicious but the chocolate cake could have tasted more rich

Paul ‘deserter’ Hollywood

  • Difficulty: 3/10, as easy as it is to make the Twat forget his morals and loyalty
  • Presentation: 5/10, a little singed but a nice shape, shame about the marbling
  • Taste: 5/10, average as fuck

Shop Bought

  • Diffiulty: 2/10 (had to fight through the riff-raff to get to the cheap and shit cakes)
  • Presentation: 8/10 – it was basic, but it wasn’t burnt and was a nice shape
  • Taste: 6/10 – it was alright but could have been richer

The Final Word

lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

Good afternoon!

I am back from my lovely holiday in Oban, Scotland – it was fucking amazing. I was balls deep in the best seafood restaurants, historical landmarks, beautiful views, and best of all there was a whisky distillery next door to the hotel which offered tours that included whisky tasting 🙂

Anyway. Because I endured a near 10 hour drive, I thought that I’d attempt something less taxing on me. I’ve not yet made any biscuits/cookies (unless you count the Shortbread). So why not have a go at a classic: chocolate chip cookies. More specifically, chewy chocolate chip cookies (because brittle and dry ones are just fucking awful).

The ‘professional chef’ recipe I’m using comes from Betty Crocker. I know that ole’ Betty is a fictional character just used to market the company, so I was unsure about using the recipe; however seeing as the company’s revenue is probably in the multi-millions, and their red branding is down every baking aisle of every store, I would say that qualifies them for ‘professional chef’ status. Also because the first recipe that came up upon googling was a Paul Hollywood recipe and I still can’t face the traitorous fucker yet.

The second recipe comes from (and it does pain me to say it) Buzzfeed. I am not a big fan of buzzfeed because my Facebook news feed gets spammed with their bullshit articles about why Kylie Jenner is ‘bae’ and how all white, straight men are evil. Nevertheless, I’ll give them a go, as they claim their cookies are the ‘best ever’, and the comments on the post are generally positive.

I gathered up my ingredients, absolutely nothing of any interest but I was glad that I didn’t have to trawl up and down down every twatting supermarket to find vanilla pods and dulce de leche and ground fucking almonds etc.

Annoyingly, because both Betty Crocker and Buzzfeed are yank companies, their recipe uses measurements such as ‘cups’, and ‘ounces’. They didn’t provide any conversions so I used the plain old google converter to figure out what the fuck a 1/2 cup is. I honestly don’t understand how they fucking function over there. Oh wait, sorry, they don’t.

Buzzfeed

ingres1I went with Buzzfeed first as the cookie dough needs chilling before baking, so I figured I could make Betty’s batter in the meantime. First, I beat the shit out of the sugars, salt, and the melted butter. This worked out as expected, really nothing of note to share with you about this. After that, I had to whisk in the egg and the vanilla from my motherfucking expensive vanilla extract shit that I had to buy when Sainsburys ran out of vanilla essence. The mix actually started to thicken up, which I hadn’t expected, and my electric whisks started to groan a bit but fuck it, if they can handle whisking a meringue for 10 mins then they can whisk cookie dough for 2.

After I had a mix resembling vomit in my bowl, I sifted in the flour and baking soda. The instructions told me to fold this in, but it was fucking impossible. Women have more chance of being paid equal to men in the US than I had of folding all this shit together. I did as best I could but in the end I did have to just try and stir with a spoon, because this fucking mix was stiffer than a paedophile in a playground.

mix1

After the friggin torment of incorporating the flour, I had to stir in the chocolate chips. Again, near fucking impossible. So tough, in fact, that I ended up having to knead the chips into the dough with my bare hands. I honestly don’t know how evenly disbursed the chocolate was but bitch don’t have time to calculate the chips per gram of mix.

Even though this dough was a twat to work with, it did indeed resemble a fucking good cookie dough. I nibbled a shit tonne little of it and it tasted just like a cookie dough should. I had high fucking hopes for these cookies, so I threw the dough into the fridge for about an hour (30 mins longer than the minimum requirement), preheated the fucking incinerator, and went to unpack the rest of my suitcase after just having come back from holiday.

chops1

After I had just about managed to fit all my dirty clothes into the washing bin, I returned to the fridge and a preheated incinerator (20 degrees cooler than what Buzzfeed told me to set it). I don’t have an ice cream scoop at home so I wasn’t really too sure about the size of the balls of dough. I also don’t mess with fucking feet and inches so I guestimated the amount of space I needed to leave between each disc. Fucking yanks. I hurled the tray into the incinerator and set the timer for 12mins. The kitchen started to smell like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s arsehole, so I opened the incinerator door….and NO SMOKE!!! ….you know you have a shite oven when you actually pellets2celebrate that the thing hasn’t caught fire in 12 mins. I pulled the tray out to gaze upon my beautiful, home made, authentic, American chocolate chip cookies…..and they looked like fucking roadkill. No fucking lie. I mean really what the actual fuck more can I do. I threw the fuckers to the side, wishing I had access to a bottle of wine.

Betty Crocker

ingres 2I straightened up after my breakdown over the Buzzfeed cookies, and tried to grasp onto the faint glimmer of hope I had regarding Betty’s batch of biscuits (I could definitely be a presenter on the GBBO).

The process for this recipe was basically the exact fucking same, except that the butter didn’t need to be melted. So I blitzed the yellow, cardiac-arrest-inducing block of carbs in with the sugar until ‘light and fluffy’, a measurement I’m sure you all know isn’t one I take kindly to.

mix 2

After I had something that didn’t look like total shit in front of me, I beat in the eggs and vanilla for a minute or two until it all looked consistent. This recipe didn’t ask me to fold anything, so I dumped the flour, baking soda, and salt into the bowl and started beating.
The beating came to a grinding halt soon after. Like with Buzzfeed, this dough was more solid than The Rock’s abs. I thought that, rather than risk the welfare of the whisks, I would use a spoon and my hands again to work in the chocolate chips and all was well.

This recipe also didn’t ask me to use an ice cream scoop, but it did tell me to drop tablespoonfuls of the dough onto the baking sheet. That did not fucking work so I went through the painstaking task of spooning some mix out, scraping it off the spoon with my hands, and trying desperately to unstick it from my palms to the tray.

chips2

I threw the tray into the incinerator and set the timer for 8mins, which was just enough time drive to the shop to get that bottle of wine in (in preparation for another possible failure).

I opened the oven door, with my eyes closed and praying for a miracle. Again, no smoke. This makes me suspicious, perhaps it’s the calm before the motherfucking super-storm this weekend when it manages to burn the house down. I tentatively took the tray out and peeked at the fruits of my labour.

 

I was not amazed. I mean, I wasn’t completely disappointed but these cookies looked fucking average. Not ugly but you would still swipe left. If Dakota Johnson was a cookie, then this would be her.

The Comparison

I think we can all see that Buzzfeed’s cookies (left) might be the worst ever rather than the best. The only thing I have ever seen that has looked similar was when I ran over a hedgehog a couple of years ago. However, that doesn’t mean to say that Betty’s cookies were much better. They were certainly a more conservative shape and thickness, but they didn’t look like they even had chocolate in them.

The Buzzfeed cookies were also brittle as shit and reminded my big time of my Brandy Snaps, before I rolled them into shape.

compare1

I took Betty’s cookies into work and had two reports that they were bland and not much flavour to them (fucking cheers, ladies), however I did have at least 3 reports that they were alright, so I count that as a success. Well, the people at work (and I) will literally eat anything that gets put out on in the kitchen.

Taste tester Lee said that neither were bad tasting, but they definitely weren’t soft and chewy like they should have been. His scale of measurement was how well they held up when dunked in a glass of milk, and apparently neither of them scored highly. He guessed which cookie was which correctly, and there are still a big pile of them in the kitchen today. They will be binned by tomorrow night if they don’t get eaten because I can’t stand to look at the ugly fuckers every time I go into the kitchen.

compare2

Buzzfeed

  • Difficulty: 4/10 – the difficulty came when the dough thickened
  • Presentation: -10/10 – no explanation needed
  • Taste: 5/10 – brittle, yes, but not horrendous.

Betty Crocker

  • Difficulty: 5/10 – again with the stiff dough
  • Presentation: 7/10 – I just wish the chocolate chips were more defined
  • Taste: 6/10 – they were just so fucking average.

The Final Word

7 Reasons Why BuzzFeed is the Cancer of the Internet

Macarons

Good (insert time of day)! I’m in Scotland on holiday at the moment so I’ve set this post to self-publish, fuck knows if it’ll do it right.

I also refuse to use the word “holibobs” because people that do that are the type of people that enjoyed the show ‘Miranda’ and have everything funded by the ‘bank of Dad’. Ugh.

You all know what the last weekend of the month means! Something foreign! I attempted the mighty motherfucking macaron! I’ve been thinking for a while now that I want to attempt this bake because it’s the sort of thing that takes you up a rung on the baking ladder. I have also recently learned that my office is doing it’s own Bake Off, and I plan for my department to absolutely fuck things up and show everyone else up with how amazing my bakes will be.

Time for a motherfucking history lesson, so strap in and let me learn you a thing: Macarons have been around since the 8th century AD, where they turned up in Italy and were bought along to France for some marriage bollocks that was going on. Two nuns decided to cash in on this shit and started baking/selling them. Conventionally they are served two by two, and are made up of two discs and filled with…..a filling of some description

The professional chef recipe I used came from legend Martha Stewart. The written recipe isn’t for chocolate macarons, however in the video at the bottom of the page she gives you instructions for what to do if you are baking chocolate ones.

The other recipe came from website allrecipes.co.uk. This recipe actually includes instructions for a filling, unlike with Martha who just said that jam will do. I figured jam in chocolate macarons might be odd so I just made two batches of the ganache from allrecipes and used that instead.

I gathered up all my ingredients, which were pretty fucking basic: ground almonds, icing sugar, and eggs. (plus a bit of chocolate and whatever for the ganache.)

AllRecipes

INGRES1I went with the recipe first as it called for me leave the piped discs on the side for half an hour to form a skin, whereas Martha’s didn’t, so I could whip hers up during the waiting time.

The first step was to fuck up the egg whites (after managing to separate them from the yolks, seriously if anyone wants to buy me a gadget to make that process easier just let me know). I beat them with the salt until stiff and glossy peaks formed and shoved the bowl to the side the same way Hugh Hefner would have done with his bunnies after having a go on them.

EGG1

I then started the gruelling task of sifting the fuck out of everything. Like three times over. I already know from researching some other recipes that sifting is your best friend when it comes to baking macarons. So I sifted each ingredient individually, then sifted it all together, then re-sifted….lets play a game where you donate a quid every time I use the word ‘sifted’…

After I had a very fine powder, which I imagine was very bad of me to be inhaling, I started the process of folding it into the egg whites. I did this slowly, adding it only a bit at a time. I’ve made meringue before and it has gone terribly fucking wrong (Lemon Meringue Pie), so I was determined to not balls this step up. After it eventually came together, which took it’s damn time, I prepared a piping bag.

DRY1

I don’t know where my round tip nozzle has gone but I figured that this mix was quite runny and it would flatten out once piped, so it wouldn’t hold the star shape of the nozzle I did end up using. I was right and it all worked out quite nicely. I hadn’t had the organisational skills to print out a stencil of circles to help guide me, but I feel the average bitch setting out to make these wouldn’t think of doing this either. Most of the discs came out round, if not perfectly circular, and they all looked exactly like I’ve seen of the GBBO and various other tutorials I’ve seen. If you’ve not heard of Threadbanger before, you should check out their Corinne Vs Cooking series, where she tackles macarons herself (the tutorial for which is the link). Honest to god, they have not paid or even asked me to promote them no matter how similar you might think her and I are, but I wish they fucking would because I bet they actually make some money. I’m haemorrhaging money keeping this blog alive….AND YET MY FUCKING VIEWS AND LIKES ARE DETERIORATING. If you are a fan of this blog then do share it with your friends because I would love to have a few more readers*

DISCS1

After I piped these glorious little bastards, I set the tray aside to rest and cleaned up some cutlery in preparation for Martha’s recipe. Once the 30mins were up, I hurled the two trays into the incinerator (this recipe made metric fuck tonne more macarons than it suggested it would). These only needed 13mins in the oven so I set my phone timer and waited in the kitchen for a change. Knowing how delicate these cunts are, I didn’t want to leave RESULT1in case they started burning. I opened the door at exactly 13mins and there was actually no smoke at all for the first time ever. But the macarons….didn’t exactly look like macarons….you know the bubbly edge that they’re meant to have? That was the texture of the entire disc. Fucking perfect. I left them to the side to cool off, swearing under my breath at how all that sifting was in vain.

Martha Stewart

INGRES2

I prepared the again very basic ingredients for this recipe and again sifted the fucking shit out of the sugar, almonds, and cocoa powder.

I then whisked the egg whites, this time only two compared to allrecipes’ three. These whites took far fucking longer to form peaks but I suppose that’s due to the addition of the sugar. I got there in the end and even did the ‘hold-the-bowl-above-your-head’ manoeuvre. I didn’t end up with white gloop all over my face and hair so that was a welcome change compared to most evenings.

EGG2Martha then instructed me to dump all of the dry ingredients and to fold it all together- 36-40 strokes should finish it. Another welcome change….

The video on her page shows her folder in 37 strokes so I matched that, but fuck me was it hard work. This mix was MUCH stiffer than allrecipes’, so my arms definitely had a workout. It was so stiff in fact that I couldn’t stuff it into the bag properly. I did just manage to compact it in, but I don’t think it’s much of a shock to hear that piping it was also difficult. I had to use the star tip nozzle again as I still couldn’t find the round one (I imagine it’s hiding the abyss of shit in our cupboards), and the mix actually held it’s fucking shape. Like I literally had MIZstar shaped discs. Very pretty, I thought, not what I’m aim for though. I used a teaspoon to flatten them out to the best of my ability, which isn’t that great…as reflected on the discs.

Martha didn’t ask me to let these macarons sit and grow skin, so they went straight into the oven. Also for 13 minutes. In the meantime, I cracked on with making the chocolate ganache from the allrecipes site. Simple shit, just melt the chocolate and stir in the butter and cream. I loaded up another piping bag and spooned the mix in, and let it cool in the fridge for the rest of the time Martha’s meringues were baking.

DISCS2

Once they were out, I peeled them off the baking paper and put them onto a plate to cool, and started to pip the chocolate filling into the already cooled macarons I’d made earlier.

This was actually satisfying as fuck, sandwiching these cookies together. After I had matched them up as best I could, I put them into a tin and flung them into the fridge so the ganache could firm up properly.

I repeated this process with Martha’s 15mins later when they were cooled off.

Comparison

You’d have to be fucking blind to not see the differences here. Martha’s definitely nearly looked just like a shop-bought macaron. Coincidentally, I couldn’t find any ready made macarons in Sainsbury’s so despite promising I would get more shop-bought shit in, I couldn’t manage it with this.

Upon taste, allrecipes macarons were actually pretty good. I mean definitely not as they should be, but you could definitely sit and eat a handful or two of them. Personally, I felt the dark chocolate ganache was a little too bitter and didn’t compliment the meringue too well. I will be using Martha’s recipe again for the office bake off, but I think I’ll be using either milk or even white chocolate instead.

RESULT5

Taste tester Lee guessed which macarons was which pretty quickly, and his favourite was Martha’s (as was mine). He commented that they were definitely more light and fluffy, but both crisp and moist where they should be. He also commented the presentation of Martha’s was elegant! That’s like top marks from him, when normally all I get is ‘good’, or ‘nice’.

The Ratings

Allrecipes

  • Difficulty: 5/10 – all the difficulty came from the sifting
  • Presentation: 1/10 – you would never even think they were meant to be macarons
  • Taste: 6/10 – not shite, not great

Martha Stewart

  • Difficulty: 7/10 – mainly due to all the folding
  • Presentation: 9/10 – had I used a round tip, I think they would have been perfect
  • Taste: 8/10 – will definitely use milk chocolate ganache next time

The Final Word

Her urine test was both clear of cocaine, but was saffron yellow and had hints of nutmeg.

Yeah I did steal that off of another website but in like 7 hours I’m starting a 10 hour journey from Oxford to Scotland and I need to go to bed.

 

*I would like to give a shout out to ‘mamabatesmotel’ for liking my posts, you’re my most (and probably only) consistent reader and I fucking see you in my notifications every week! If you want me to have a go at baking something, just let me know.

 

 

 

Shortbread 

Right motherfuckers, last weekend I thought I’d bake something easier than Taylor Swift. I’ve been ill and fucking tired so I needed something chill.

Shortbread was the answer. The “brother-in-law” suggested I bake some with jam and vanilla and whatever other shit he said but I was busy so I just made regular shitting shortbread.  I’ll make his fancy arse biscuit when I have more time.

The professional recipe came from the one and only Gordon Ramsay. it wont come as a surprise to any readers that he’s my favourite motherfucker of all time (1/3 of the golden trio; with Frankie Boyle and Jeremy Clarkson making up the other parts) (also no I’m not a cunt I just love dry, dark, and sarcastic humour)

The other recipe came from Steve’s Kitchen, the first YouTube tutorial that came up.

i do realise that I’ve been neglecting the shop bought desserts, so I also bought some from sainsburys.

the ingredients for both recipes were so basic even Bebe Rexha looks good on comparison. flour, sugar, butter, eggs, salt, and vanilla.

Gordon Ramsay

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Ramsay deserves the twatting respect of being first, so on with his recipe. this was the recipe that called for eggs and vanilla so i weighed out all my ingredients like the organised legend I am.

The steps for this recipe were simple: beat the shit out of everything. The first thing I knocked together was the eggs and vanilla, which resulted in what looked like rotting eggs. However it did smell vanilla-y so whatever.

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The instructions said to stop beating everything when the dough starts to come together, bit hard to determine that stage when you’ve got electric whisks.  I stopped when the whisks started to stall and smoke could be seen coming from the main unit. After this stage, I pulled the dough together into
a ball without kneading. this was particularly difficult for me because I enjoy pummeling, it releases the anger I feel at the world.

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I dumped it onto a floured surface and rolled it out into a circle. this was also tricky as the dough did crack a bit, but a little bit of compacting the edges in seemed to do the trick.

I then cut the dough around a large dinner plate. I used the excess to make a smaller disc. This process was surprisingly easy, I thought it would completely crumble but it held its shit together  (better than I managed at uni)

I then had to make some indents around the edge with my thumb…which made me wonder if I have a normal sized thumb? whatever.  El Gordo then instructed me to leave it in the fridge to chill the shit out, so in the meantime I went to the cinema to see the 2nd Kingsman movie. it was fucking amazing so I recommend you watch it if you haven’t aleady (though watch the first one beforehand). Taron Egerton is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.before bake

I returned from the cinema and retrieved the dough. Gordon didn’t ask for me to prick it like I’ve seen in other recipes, so I flung it into the incinerator (as always, on a cooler temperature with the timer set earlier), and retired to the bedroom to tidy up. I’m mostly a chill person but I cannot stand mess. Like it literally puts me in a bad mood. Ever seen the TV show ‘Hoarders’? puts my teeth on edge.

Sorry, I have digressed. but I am fucking passionate about my disgust at mess and hoarding.

It took approximately 30 mins in the incinerator, which I thought was quite long for what is already quite a dry and thing dough, however it came out beautifully. A little more crisp and brown on the edges but ultimately it was a good effort. I rewarded myself with a bottle glass of wine, after sprinkling the top of the shortbread with some cast sugar.

Steve’s Kitchen

ingres2Rightio Steve-o, let’s be having you. This recipe was even more basic, requiring no vanilla or eggs. Again, the instructions were simple: mash the fuck out of it, roll it, oven it. I did find quite early on in the process that this dough was much, much drier and crumblier than Gordon’s, but obviously it did contain less liquid ingredients. I just about managed to form it into a ball but I ended up having to press the remaining chunks into it as a rolled. As you can imagine, rolling it also mix2wasn’t as easy as the previous attempt. I am starting to become a culinary genius though, so with some manual handling I did eventually patch it up.

 

I then cut it into a circle using a plate as guidance. This went better than expected, I figured it might just lump2crumble and crack but it did hold itself together. This recipe also called for me to score it into 8 pieces, but I was a bit tipsy at this point so it took me a few attempts. 20 mins later, I had divided it properly. I was instructed to prick the dough so I wielded my fork and made something close to a pattern on each slice. I also made some imprints on this patty but I feel they were less obvious as I didn’t press to hard, for fear of it crumbling apart. I had enough dough to make two rounds so I carefully slid them onto the baking tray. This recipe didn’t call for me to chill the patty2dough which worried me slightly, I don’t know why but I think I must have heard something on bake off about it at some point.

I chucked this dough into the oven as well and prayed it wouldn’t be a disaster. It did look a lot prettier than Gordon’s but don’t let looks fool you. Again, like Taylor Swift. Beautiful but a total fucking psycho.

When I opened the incinerator door, there was a puff of smoke- not a small puff but certainly not as big as Snoop Doggs house when he opens the door. The fog cleared and I was greeted to…a grey looking thing. Definitely not as pretty now. I sprinkled it with sugar, slightly disappointing that all the work I put into pricking and fingering it went to waste.

The Comparison

On the left you can see Gordon’s – in reality it was much paler than that but the lighting in my kitchen isn’t great. Similarly, Steve’s was definitely more grey than what you see here.

Taste tester Lee yet again volunteered his services. I did force him to do this quickly as I was meant to be leaving the house for a girls night out with a mate. I do feel a bit bad about this as I like to let him enjoy my creations but alcohol was waiting for me. I forgot to take a picture of the shop bought shortbread but just imagine what a perfect circle of perfectly baked shortbread would look like (or just google image it). I swear I will get better and taking pictures of these fucking bakes, but you have no idea how difficult it is to remember to photograph every step you do and then fit all the images into this fucking blog. Especially on posts like this where there isn’t so much text.

His favourite was actually Steve’s, saying it tasted more complex and had more flavours. I thought this was bollocks and that he needs to sort his taste buds out because that shit wasn’t all that great, and so fucking crumble that I couldn’t break it into triangles like I could with Gordon’s. My favourite was definitely Gordon’s, and neither of us thought much of Sainsbury’s (but then it did only cost like 90p).

The Ratings

Gordon Ramsay

  • Difficulty: 4/10 – the main difficulty was rolling it into a circle without it sticking to the rolling pin
  • Presentation: 9/10 – personally I feel it would have looked better with the pricks
  • Taste: for me? 10/10; for Lee? 7/10

Steve’s Kitchen

  • Difficulty: 8/10 – you don’t even know how dry this dough was
  • Presentation: 4/10 – that colour shouldn’t see the light of day
  • Taste: Reverse the ratings for Gordon’s

The Final Word

yes
Regarding my baking skills

And here’s another thing:

I won’t waffle on about my personal life of here, but check out my gofundme page. I don’t run this blog for profit, but I would love a standalone mixer so if you do enjoy this blog, consider donating a quid!

 

Chocolate Cheesecake

Good evening 🙂 Sorry this post is late but I’ve been ill and quite frankly I could not be fucked to write this post until I felt better. So, here it is, and sorry if it isn’t as good a quality as normal….not that the bar is set too high….

A lady I work with bought in a cheesecake last week so that inspired me to make one for the weekend’s bake. And, because I’m a chocolate addict, it obviously had to be how I like my men – rich and dark.

The professional recipe comes from one Lorraine Pascale, and the other from Taste.com. The difference between these two cheesecakes is that the Taste.com one is baked, whereas Lorraine’s is just chilled.

I went to Sainsbury’s and purchased the most fucking obscene amount of cream cheese you’ve ever seen in your life, came home, and kicked things off.

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Taste.com

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I started with this recipe as I figured I would be able to release it from my newly acquired springform pan once it had cooled, which I assumed would be quicker than waiting for the other cheesecake to set. I literally have no idea why the fuck I thought that and wished I had read this recipe before starting it. AN HOUR IN THE FUCKING INCINERATOR, AND THEN ANOTHER TWO SAT IN THERE WITH THE DOOR OPEN. 3 bloody hours, and that’s not including actually making the mix, chilling the base, and cooling time. I didn’t realise this until I had already poured the mix into the pan but whatever.

biscuit1

To kick things off, I preheated the oven and then I had to make the buttery biscuit base (and no, I find no shame in linking to this every time I use the phrase). So simple even Boris Joihnson would manage it (probably) – crush the fuck out of the biscuity bastards and mix the melted butter and cinammon in. I didn’t really clock on that there was too much butter, but I pressed the mix into the greased and lined pan and threw it into the fridge to firm up.

To make the mix, I first had to melt the chocolate. mix1Most recipes, including this one, call for the chocolate to be melted over a bain marie but I don’t have a bowl that fits into my pan properly, so I have to microwave very carefully. So, I nuked the chocolate and put it aside whilst I made the rest of the mix. I beat the eggs and sugar together until ‘light and fluffy’, which I think is a bullshit measurement because how the fuck is gloop meant to be fluffy? I beat the shit into it anyway, then added the cream cheese and butter. After it was all combined, it was a simple task of folding in the cocoachocolate1 powder, vanilla, and chocolate. After I had done that, I had to stir in the soured cream. STIR. You literally fold mixes to keep air in them. So I undid all of that fucking folding whilst stirring in the cream.

After I had a chocolaty cheesy creamy mix, I slopped it into the biscuit base and hurled the pan into the oven. For a cunting HOUR. Of course, I had turned the incinerator down and set the timer a bit early, so I wouldn’t be greeted to something reminiscent of a burning tire.

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Now, I could have started the mix for Lorraine’s cheesecake in the meantime but I’m not organised and I had other shit to do. This was a mistake. Anyway, after 3 hours of half-arsed tidying I returned to the kitchen to see how it was going. I opened the incinerator door…and things actually fucking looked decent? I gave the pan a jiggle, because I refused to believe that things had gone well. The centre of the cake certainly had some movement and I wasn’t sure if that was good, but in a panic I grabbed it from inpan1the oven because I couldn’t risk another charcoal mess.

I let it cool whilst I was making the other cheesecake, and luckily it firmed up into a nice thick, stiff, non-moving patty. Just like Courtney Cox’s face. I popped it from the pan and threw it on a plate to cool completely.

Lorraine Pascale

ingres2In all honesty, I’ve never watched nor know anything about Pascale, but I couldn’t use Nigella or Delia again because they’ve had their time. In any case, I thought the recipe seemed simple enough so why not give it a go.

I gathered the ingredients together (another offensive amount of cream cheese). This recipe called for white chocolate for the ‘icing’. Channeling my inner Chris Brown, I smashed the shit into the biscuits and mixed them with biscuit3the butter. A stark contrast to the Taste.com recipe, this base was much more crumbly and it didn’t seem like there was enough butter. I smushed the mix into the well greased pan and let it chill out in the fridge whilst I mixed the batter together. Could you call it a batter? Fuck only knows. Of course, it was just a case of beating the sugar and cheese together, and adding the again nuked chocolate little by little (Oasis ruled and you can shove multiple cacti up your arse if you disagree).

mix2I spooned the mixture into the pan, realised it was taking far too long, so just poured the rest in because bitches be busy. As mentioned, this one didn’t need baking, so all I had to do was put it back in the fridge. Before that, I smoothed the top. Now, I am not light-fingered and smoothing mixes and icing is not a skill I possess, but I fucking smashed this twat. It was smoother than a baby’s bottom (not that I know because I hate kids and fuck going anywhere near a baby).

inpan2

After it set in the fridge for a couple of hours, I released it from the pan. I obliterated some more chocolate and poured it over the top. I don’t think melted chocolate constitutes as an icing, but fuck it.

This isn’t a very long post, I know, but there’s only so much one can write about making a cheesecake. 1. Make base. 2. Fuck up some cheese. 3. Leave it to set.

 

The Comparison

Overall, the difference between the two is pretty obvious. You can’t really tell there is any biscuit on the Taste.com cake, because it was just so soggy.

Yet again, Lee was the taste tester. His favourite was quite clearly established: Lorraine’s. It was much lighter and…well, tastier than Taste.com’s. I, on the other hand, preferred the darker beast. He commented that the Taste.com cheesecake tasted a bit like marmite, but I think that’s bollocks because I hate marmite but loved the cake. It was quite bitter from the dark chocolate, but I am bitter motherfucker so whatever. A nice helping of cream certainly balanced it out, at least. The chocolate ‘icing’ on Lorraine’s had obviously hardened in the fridge, so upon cutting it the entire thing cracked, and that coupled with a very crumbly base, meant serving was a nightmare.

Lee guessed which cake was which….and got it fucking wrong!!! 😀 😀 😀 You know you’ve been together too long when you start enjoying each other’s failures.

Overall, the winner would have to be Lorraine as I feel more people would enjoy it over Taste.coms

Taste.com

  • Difficulty: 6/10 – a lot of ingredients, a lot of oven time
  • Taste: 5/10 – a love/hate thing: I loved it, Lee hated it
  • Presentation: 8/10 – consistent colour, no cracks

Lorraine Pascale

  • Difficulty: 3/10 – blitz it together and chill
  • Taste: 7/10 – could be more chocolaty
  • Presentation: 7/10 – shame about the base

The Final Word

Are you ready for the cheesiest joke ever? “Lorraine takes the biscuit”

 

 

Fucking kill me that was awful

Brandy Snaps

Good afternoon, people 🙂

Last Sunday I decided to attempt something I had seen on the GBBO god knows how long ago. The bitchin’ brandy snap. I didn’t know if brandy snaps were always served with cream inside but I go the extra mile, for my readers ❤

The most obvious recipe to choose was that of Mary ‘mothafucka’ Berry, the baddest bitch ever to grace our TV. Not only can you find a written recipe, but there is also a video where Mary, and Cold Ungrateful Nasty Traitor (C.U.N.T) Paul Hollywood, take you through each step, which is always handy. The other recipe came from popular website, GoodToKnow.co.uk.

I was fucking horrified to see that neither recipe called for actual brandy, because there is nothing better than a dessert that contains alcohol. That being said, it was a relief when realising that I wouldn’t have to buy an entire bottle of the shit just for a few brandy snaps. I know I’ll be using it again when the time for Christmas cake rolls around, but I get the feeling it wouldn’t last that long in this house.

Both recipes called for only a few ingredients, all of which I already had in the cupboard, so that was fucking sweet.

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Mary ‘mothafucka’ Berry

ingres1This bitch deserves to go first, no question. The first step was obviously to preheat the incinerator (though to be honest, that isn’t a necessity with this twat of an oven), and line two baking trays with baking paper. So, both of those things I did, and cracked on with melting the sugar, butter, and golden syrup. Mary firmly insisted that one would do this over a very low heat, and that it would take like 15 fucking minutes. And by god, was she right. I have never been so bloody bored whilst baking than I was waiting for this to melt. When it did melt, it didn’t seem tomix1 thicken like the mix you can see in the video, so I did worry but nearly instantly after taking it off the heat, it thickened. After waiting a few minutes, I added the flour, ginger, and lemon juice, and stirred all of that in. Pretty fucking basic, but that was fine with me as I had a cracking hangover.

The next step was to dollop the mix onto the trays, only 4 spoonfuls per sheet. The mix was thickening too quickly for this to be easy, but I persevered. After dollop1getting 5 dollops and 3 mutant puddles onto the trays, I threw them into the oven for ’10-15mins, or until golden’. Now, I fucking despise it when a recipe says ‘for X amount of time or Y amount of time’. Like bitch needs to be more specific. I, like always, had the incinerator set to a lower temperature, and checked on them a minute or two early. So, I sat on the kitchen floor contemplating what life would be like if I had a standalone mixer (don’t judge me). However, something bnaked2awoke me from my day dream…the smell of burning. I could literally smash the smug face of that fucking oven in sometimes. I opened the door, not even shocked by the smoke, and saw 8 dark splotches. In fairness, they certainly weren’t black and crispy, but they did look a lot darker than the google images I had research 3 mins before starting this bake. I thought that at least these could be my practice batch when it came to the rolling.

This is where things got…painful. After the flattened snaps, reminiscent of roadkill, had sat for a minute or two out in the air and firmed up, I had to pick one spoonup with a knife and lay it on the oiled handle of a wooden spoon. Yes, you read correctly, I have finally invested in a wooden spoon! So I draped it over, and tried to manoeuvre it around the handle. As stated in a previous post, I am not a fucking octopus so I couldn’t take photos of this part and this website wont let me post videos because apparently I’m not already paying the twats enough. This first attempt didn’t go too well to be honest, and handling a near-molten sugar mix meant that I was saying goodbye to some more skin. (If you haven’t ready any previous posts, every time I have to zest a fruit, I end up bleeding).

After 4 failed attempts at rolling, I decided to do it MY way. I flipped the snap over, lift an edge over the handle, then rolled it forward until the snap had wrapped all the way around. This left me with a much prettier and more uniform shape. I honestly think I should get an award for my innovation.

marys1

The estimated returns from this recipe were 16 brandy snaps, but I ended up with double (no complaints there). The mix had set into a dough by the time I got to the last couple of trays, but in fact this made things easier. I could take some of the dough, and roll it into a ball in my hands – this meant a much more uniform shape brandy snap, as it melted into a near-perfect circle.

roll1

You can see the difference.

Fucking amazingly,this recipe didn’t specify any sort of cream to fill these with, so I *whipped* up some basic thick vanilla cream, and piped it into each tube. I had googled some suggestions but I could not be fucked with making ginger cream, and it doesn’t sound like something I’d really even enjoy. Both the taste and look of ginger is nasty, and I’m not just referring to the root. This was a bit difficult to start with as the mix was still pretty cold, but after I had handled the bag and things warmed up a bit, it was much easier to push into the hole. I put all my snaps aside, and started on the next recipe.

GoodToKnow

ingres2

This recipe was basically the friggin’ same, the biggest difference being the use of caster sugar, rather than demerara sugar like Mary had told me to use.

I dumped all the same bollocks into the pan and painstakingly waited until it had all liquefied. I did worry a bit that this mixture looked less golden, but the consistency seemed pretty good so fuck it. This recipe didn’t specify that I had to wait for the mix to cool before adding the flour, so I did what any novice baker melt2would do – dump it straight the fuck in and stir. Unbelievably, the mix didn’t spontaneously fucking combust, so I carried on with adding the ginger and lemon. After it was all ‘incorporated’, I repeated the process of putting 4 spoonfuls of mix onto each tray. This mix was runnier than Mary’s, so it was a bit of cunt getting it on there without dripping skin-mix4burning mix everywhere.

I hurled the trays into the oven and sat and watched the brandy snaps in the same way I would stare at Ryan Reynolds squeeze into the Deadpool costume. These snaps only took 5 minutes per tray, and thank fuck for that…the amount of mix I had was definitely going to produce about 36 million tubes. I did exactly the same when it came to rolling the snap, by wrapping it around the spoon handle as I rolled it forward. I think by the 4th tray in, I had officially burned off all my fingerprints. On an unrelated note, if anyone fancies a late night trip to the local jewellers, let me know.

fresul1I don’t know how long it took me to use up all the mix, but I was starting to struggle to remember a time when I wasn’t rolling these fuckers. Eventually, 36 million tubes later, I had finished. I let them cool for a bit before filling them all with the same cream I used for Mary’s.

You can see the difference in output between each recipe. I was drowning in brandy snaps, so I had no choice but to take a shit tonne into work and even gave a few to a local celebrity that I know (I hear he enjoyed them).

comp1

The Comparison

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These recipes were nearly identical, so of course there wasn’t a crazy amount of deviation between them. Of course, GoodToKnow’s recipe produced an almost commercial amount of brandy snaps compared to Mary’s (maybe I could go into business with mass production, because I am making fuck all with this blog…not that I’m doing this for money, that is).

I presented a couple of each kind to taste tester Lee. He didn’t have much to say on presentation, because after all it was just 4 tubes on a plate. When it came to taste…same again. To be honest with you, I need a new taste tester, because this one is becoming less useful. He guessed which snap belong to which recipe…and he was fucking wrong! I fucking love it when he’s wrong. Personally, I felt like Mary’s tasted more burned, despite picking two of the palest snaps. I also thought they were a bit softer than GoodToKnow’s results, but that could well be because they had been sat with cream in them for at least half an hour.

result5Overall, my favourite snaps were GoodToKnows. It absolutely breaks my stone cold heart that I have to say this, because Mary Berry is a legend in her own right. Unlike with Nigella and Delia, I am not about to lose respect for her, because this bitch knows what is up. I will give her another chance in a future bake, whatever that may be (any suggestions, let me know!)

I took most of the snaps into work, and a certain lawyer absolutely lapped them up, so I was happy. I am conveniently situated next to the office kitchen, so I am able to hear people converse with each other about how much of a fucking baking legend I am and how they wish they had my skill*

Mary ‘mothafucka’ Berry

  • Difficulty: 7/10 – making the mix was easy, but the rolling was tricky
  • Presentation: 7/10 – most of them were conform and neat, but a couple were too dark and wonky
  • Taste: 6/10 – certainly not a disaster, certainly could have been better

GoodToKnow

  • Difficulty: 8/10, same hardships with the rolling but also the mix being runny didn’t help things
  • Presentation: 10/10 – I firmly believe these snaps were all of perfect shape and size, but I had already had a lot of practice by the time I was rolling the last batch
  • Taste: 9/10 – the only negative was that they had gotten softer with time, but I suppose that is normal

The Final Word

I am happy my work colleagues enjoyed my hard, cream filled tubes in their mouths.

mary

Gluten-Free Apple Pie

Good afternoon, readers! I practically pissed myself with excitement when I saw I actually gained a couple of followers in the last week, so welcome to my blog! (Don’t have expectations that are too high…)

As mentioned last week, my office other-half keeps looking at me like she’s going to stab me with her biro every time I bring in bakes that she can’t eat, because she might shit herself if she does. The chick is the coolest most chill motherfucker I have the pleasure to know, and she is also becoming my life coach/personal trainer as she drags me kicking and screaming to boxing classes and advises me when needed…take a bow, Emma! *raging fucking applause*

So, to appease this blonde bitch, I made 2 gluten free apple pies. I was hoping to make it apple & blackberry, but Sainsbury’s was fresh out so fuck that. Plain apple it was. The professional recipe came from Nigella, the most sexually radiant cook out there. The other recipe came from a website called Doves Farm, and I only used it as it was one of the only recipes that didn’t call for pre-made pie bases that I knew Sainsbury’s wouldn’t stock because my local store really is the definition of the word ‘shite’.

I (again) forgot to take a picture of all the ingredients I use but quite frankly it was all pretty basic: gluten-free flour, apples, sugar, butter. After all, this is my fucking blog so I can forget to take pictures all I want and if you don’t like it you can shove a whisk up your arse.

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Doves Farm

flour1Immediately I realised there may have been a mistake in this recipe as it only called for 10g of gluten-free flour. I mixed it together with the butter anyway, just to see how it looked, and it was not good at all. So I used some initiative and made it 100g instead. I know the point of this blog is to follow recipes exactly, but I need to have something to work from.

After beating the dry mix together, I added the water anddoughvall1 formed into a ‘slightly’ sticky dough. This bitch was stickier than the wax residue you’re left with on your legs after a failed Veet session.

I covered it nonetheless and left it to sit. Upon returning, there was fuck all difference to it but quite frankly I’m a busy bitch so I don’t have time to continue waiting.

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I then retrieved the lump and separated it into thirds. I rolled out two of the balls, which was a fucking nightmare. I only have a wooden rolling pin and board at my disposal when I know I really need some more silicon cutlery, but even with clingfilm the process wasn’t going well. I persevered and ended up with two flat pancakes, reminiscent of what a hedgehog looks like 3mins after it wanders onto a motorway.rolled1

I then had to transfer one of the…dough…shapes….to the pie tin (a well motherfucking greased pie tin). I have seen people time and time again showing off and rolling the pastry straight off of the pin into the dish, but I knew that this wasn’t going to happen for me, so I flipped it onto the tin and peeled the film off of the dough. It actually looked like I had succeeded…until I pressed the fucker into the tin and it all disintegrated. Fucking gluten-free is bollocks.

in tin1After patching it up a best I could, I left it to the side to try and bash together the filling. Peeling the apples was probably the most taxing part of this step, because I haven’t got the most amazing peeler either. On a totally irrelevant note, if anyone has any spare money or utensils laying around, send them the fuck over because I need some decent equipment.

After I sacrificed some skin and a nail peeling and applemix2chopping the apples (don’t worry, I retrieved the nail…probably), I put the slices into a bigger bowl and mixed them with the sugar and clove. No heating, no cinnamon, no anything. What a basic fucking bitch of a mix. I dumped it into the tin anyway, and started another grueling 10 minutes of rolling more dough out for the pie lid. This was about as successful as Theresa May was this year. I mean, I did manage what I intended to do, but did I really win? I poked a few holes in the top to let the steam escape, and threw it into the incinerator. Like every week, I turned the heat down to accommodate for the fiery nature of the cunt, and checked on the bake lid25 mins before the timer went off.

I went and relaxed in the lounge in the mean time. I sat down, opened a bottle of vodka rosé, and shut my eyes…

…and was abruptly awakened by Lee screaming at the fucking F1. Genuinely, what is so bloody important to men about the F1? The only part I feel passionate about is at the end when they’re spraying the champagne all over the place…what a shitting waste.

When I returned to the kitchen and opened the oven, for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t faced with a cloud of smoke. And the pie actually looked…normal? Golden? Fucking amazing. I whacked it to the side and started on Nigella’s recipe.

Nigella

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If you read my Chocolate Fudge Cake post, you will know that despite how attracted to Nigella I am, her recipe fell slightly short of our expectations. But, like with last weeks Profiteroles where I gave Delia Smith another chance, I thought Nigella deserved to be revisited. This totally didn’t have anything to do with the fact she was the only professional chef that appeared when I googled ‘gluten free apple pie recipe’.

crumb1Like with Doves Farm, I had to make the dough first. I had to cut the butter into chunks and pop them into the freezer for 15mins, then blend it into the flour. Nigella recommended a food processor but guess what…I don’t have a food processor either and our blender just can’t cope with this sort of thing, so I had to use my whisks. In any case, All was going well until I had to add fucking sour cream and vinegar to the mix. I don’t know what her fucking obsession is with sour cream but she seems to add it to everything. This mix looked gloopier than creammix2the muffin top on a fat man. I separated the mix into two balls and let them rest in the fridge for 40 mins, and she claims you can leave them there for two bloody days. Personally, I don’t relish the thought of stale food so I took them out at 40 mins like any other sane motherfucker would do.

mix2Whilst the dough was chilling (lol) in the fridge, I cracked on with the filling. I yet again said goodbye to a few fingertips and peeled the apples whilst some butter was melting in a pan. Once I threw the slices in, I added the sugar and cinnamon and stirred it together for a few minutes. It was at this point I would have added the blackberries, but I substituted them with some more apple. After I was done stirring the apple-y goodness (and kitchen smelt like a 16 year old who had drunk too apple2much apple sourz had vomited in the sink), I moved the pan to the side and got on with the rolling of the dough. Sounds like the Running of the Bulls, doesn’t it? Both processes are equally as fucking painful to be honest.

I tried to ‘ease’ the dough into the tin but I think we all know how that turned out, so after repairing the base I poured the apple mix in and rolled the other disc of dough on top. I had quite a bit of spare dough so I cut out some circles and placed them on top for some decoration (I know, I’m a classy bitch). After brushing on the egg white, I bent down to put my masterpiece into the oven, and managed to fucking drop the cunt on the way down. I lid 2acquired quite a nice burn up the side of my hand catching the tin against the oven shelf, but the pain was worth it as I only lost half of the top which I patched up as best I could.

I left the now deformed mutant pie in the incinerator for 25mins, and upon checking I knew that it didn’t need the extra 5 minutes in there. I took it out to assess just how ugly this fucker was. And it certainly wasn’t the pie equivalent of Emma Stone, in fact it was more akin to Sloth from classic movie The Goonies. Some apple filling had obviously poked out of where I had lost some dough and had burned, but it wasn’t a large amount so I could live with just eating around it.

The Comparison

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On the left: Doves Farm; on the right: Nigella

I mean, if you look closely, you can just about see the difference between the two pies. The more I looked at Nigella’s the more I realised that the pastry was more similar to than what you would find on a pork pie than an apple pie; whereas the Doves Farm pastry looked much more like it should. In comparison, it looks a little under-baked when placed next to Nigella’s monstrosity, but I can assure you there was no soggy bottom and it was lovely and crisp. I am actually quite disappointed that neither pie looked amazing despite how hard I tried with rolling the pastry lid, but perhaps when I give it another go (next time NOT gluten fucking free) it might all work a bit better.

This weeks taste tester is Lee, again. If anyone else wants to volunteer for this role then drop me an email, for the love of God.

I think this must be the first time he’s got it wrong! pahahahah he ain’t as great as he thinks he is. He thought that Nigella’s pie didn’t have much flavour to it at all, even with the added spices. The pastry was nice and crisp, but overall it wasn’t amazing. On the other hand, he fucking loved the Doves Farm pie; and I must say I agreed with him. It truly was delicious. I took a slice in for Emma and I think I definitely remember her saying ‘oh my god Ellie I fucking love you, you have shown me the light, I have never had, nor will I ever have again, a pie this fucking amazing.’

Well, maybe she just said it was good, but whatever.

Doves Farm

  • Difficulty: 5/10, the only real struggles was rolling the pastry
  • Presentation: 3/10, however I am aware that this is mainly down to me being a terrible pastry chef
  • Taste: 9/10, wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between that and a shop bought pie (if you had your eyes closed)

Nigella

  • Difficulty: 6/10, again the pastry was a nightmare
  • Presentation: 10/10 before dropping it, 0/10 after. I am quietly confident it would have looked a lot better had I not been a dick and losing grip of it
  • Taste: 5/10: just average. So average.

The Final Word

No wonder Nigella’s recipes are falling to shit, that amount of cocaine can’t be good for a person.